Actor Tyler Lepley On Breaking The Stigma of Black Men And Therapy
In the middle of a hectic press day to promote the fourth season of the immensely popular Tyler Perry soap opera The Haves and The Have Nots, Tyler Lepley’s humility and gratitude for a career that many people dream of resonates through his smile.
The 28-year-old actor had to overcome quite a few challenges to become the man he is today. After his dreams of having a flourishing football career were cut short, the Philly native moved to LA where he couched surfed and found work as a personal trainer. Years later, he auditioned for Tyler Perry and scored his big break as the character Benjamin "Benny" Young in OWN's first scripted series.
During the promo run for the fourth season of The Have and Have Nots, I sat down with the charming actor, and our conversation got candid as he opened up about his own insecurities about being mixed (Italian and Jamaican) and being the only black kid in school. He also shared that he had to learn to love himself and not seek validation from others. This allowed our chat to segue into how therapy has helped him to be in better control of his anger and emotions on screen and off camera.
July is Minority Mental Health Awareness Month so our conversation on black men and therapy was oddly fitting. There’s still an unfortunate stigma in the black community around mental health awareness. A lot of the black community doesn't believe in mental health issues, let alone therapy sessions. That goes double for black men.
“When someone is always taking from you, you’re ready to put your foot down," Tyler says, "One of the best things you can do to channel that anger is to be emotionally sophisticated enough to articulate what you feel, it’s going to save you from being in a lot of trouble.”
This man is everything. He’s won me over and yes, he’s still single. In our interview, Tyler also shared his thoughts on realizing his purpose, what he’s looking for in a wife, and his views on black men and therapy.
xoNecole: Since you didn’t necessarily come to L.A. to be an actor, what kept you in pursuit of this new dream in between roles?
TL: Initially I put all of my eggs into to the basket, which was football, and to not have it not work out but to wake up in the morning and still be okay, I still have another shot. I’m still breathing. When I look back at it, the writing was on the wall. God does this to me all the time; he’ll drop something in my lap and it’s up to me to use my intuition to try and feel it out, apply faith to it and do the best I can with it and not worry about the end result because that’s what faith is about. I think that’s helped me to navigate these waters even though I didn’t necessarily have as much experience as my peers.
xoNecole: Are there any particular insecurities that you had to overcome to be the man that you are today?
TL: Yes, every day. I grew up being teased because I was the only black kid in an all-white school. I had to overcome always seeking outside validation because when you don’t get it, you feel like crap on the inside. I’m mixed so growing up, I didn’t know how to do my hair. I was trying to put pomade and hairspray in it and it wasn’t working. Everyone around me said I wasn’t cool but one day I looked in the mirror and I said I liked how I looked. It’s about loving yourself without having to go through someone else to tell you you’re good enough. You shouldn’t have to wait for someone else to say they love you. You have to love yourself and once you get that, there’s a calmness that sets in and you’re just happier.
xoNecole: Was there a particular situation that sparked your research into therapy and willingness to attend a few sessions?
TL: My acting coach always talked about the benefits of therapy. If you’re not working on your emotions, they can go cold or numb. And if life is just so happy and you haven’t connected with any of the deep pain you feel, a lot of times with pain, what’s the first thing you do? You look the other way because it feels better, so if you have to feel one of those deep moments where you have to cry on cue, the idea is to have it be real. So therapy helps you to work on your emotions so you can call on them.
What made me stay in therapy is when I started to enjoy it.
I’m Jamaican and Italian so I’m wired to snap, not in a bad way, but I have a temper and that’s not the way you’re supposed to handle situations.
I’m not a dictator, so if things don’t go my way, that doesn’t give me the right to be a crabapple or be rude to someone. I caught myself in certain situations where I wasn’t in control of what I was feeling and therapy helped me to gain that control. Now, you can tease me all you want, I like myself now so I’m fine.
xoNecole: What advice would you share with men, especially men of color, who may not feel comfortable with seeking professional help?
TL: Find a way to channel your emotions. If you don’t want to act, find a book to read or maybe sit down and start writing. If you think it’s not macho to talk to a professional at first, start somewhere easy like you’re mom or a sibling, I talk to my cat sometimes, just express yourself. And don’t take yourself so seriously to think it makes you not cool to understand yourself, that’s madness. It’s good to know how you feel so you can really assert yourself.
For young black males, because of everything we’ve had to overcome, we’re wired to be aggressive. When someone is always taking from you, you’re ready to put your foot down, one of the best things you can do to channel that anger is to be emotionally sophisticated enough to articulate what you feel, it’s going to save you from being in a lot of trouble.
xoNecole: In previous interviews, you mentioned that your parents have been married for twenty-five years, what have they taught you about love and relationships?
TL: They taught me not to settle for anything less than what I deserve which is what they have. There’s going to be ups and downs in anything but you guys have to be each other’s rocks. I’ve seen my dad really down before as strong of a man as he is and my mom was right there to lift him up and vice versa. There were times growing up when my mom would come home from work and she needed help and my dad was right there. That synergy to work together to accomplish something bigger is what I would like someday.
[Tweet "[My parents marriage] taught me not to settle for anything less than what I deserve. "]
xoNecole: Looking back on when you first got to L.A. and you were sleeping on your cousin’s floor, what would you tell your younger self about persevering through the tough times?
TL: The first thing I would say is to breathe and relax because when things are going crazy, the anxiety can paralyze you. Trust yourself, we all have these gut feelings; it could be on a first date, it could be in a job, or in my case it could be not knowing what I’m going to do when I moved to L.A. but I felt like I was supposed to be here. We all have those moments where we doubt ourselves but stand in front of the mirror and believe that you’re good enough. Trust that you have enough talent to get you to where you want to be. I know it’s a daunting task. I used to wake up and think ‘I’ve never even acted before, how am I ever going to get good enough to be on a platform as big as OWN?’ It all starts from trusting yourself, learning how to tune people out, and letting your inner voice be the main thing you listen to.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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What These Beauty Editors And Writers Learned About Beauty From Their Moms
Beauty editors are the heart of the industry. They work endlessly to provide us with inspiring stories and keep us up to date on beauty trends that help remind us we are that girl. However, before they were the trailblazers of the beauty industry, they were little girls inspired by their mothers’ beauty routines.
Watching them every morning as they put on their favorite lipstick and got ready for the day. Dreaming of the moment when they, too, could play in their mother's makeup bag and discover the secret behind the captivating beauty world.
Asia Milia Ware, Kayla Greaves, and Shauna Beni are three masterminds behind some of your favorite digital publications. They have pushed beauty trends and started groundbreaking conversations in the industry. Not only are they some of the most talented beauty writers and editors, but they are fabulous women who get it from their mamas!
We chatted with each of them to learn more about how their mothers have influenced their love for beauty.
Asia Milia Ware
Beauty and Fashion Writer, The Cut
Asia Milia Ware is a beauty and fashion force to be reckoned with. You can catch her on somebody's island in the latest fashion or at an occasional function with friends and a bold red lip. Ware’s infectious love for beauty and fashion started as a young girl watching her mom’s simple yet profound beauty routine. “My mom’s beauty routine was simple. She had her go-to Revlon red lipstick that doubled as a blush, followed by Amber Rose perfume oil, and she would do her nails,” says Ware. As Ware gained an admiration for beauty, she would turn her mother's sweet red lipstick kisses into blush. A mother’s love would soon birth the trajectory of Ware’s successful career in the beauty industry.
“It impacted me as a young girl because I saw how it made her feel. I saw the instant mood booster it was to apply her lipstick, and I saw how special she felt when she would go to the hair salon and be pampered instead of doing it herself,” she says. Seeing her mother’s confidence and happiness made Ware crave a similar feeling. Sneaking into her mother’s makeup bag and putting on lipstick became a thrill. That thrill soon turned into Ware tagging along to the nail salon with her aunts. “I saw Black women unapologetically indulging in themselves through beauty, and it was a community I couldn’t wait to be part of.”
Seeing women pour into themselves was pivotal for the way Ware would view self-love, but Ware’s most important lesson in beauty would be self-acceptance. “I was a rebel; if she [her mother] told me I didn't need certain makeup or weave, I would still want it. But, in hindsight, she was teaching me to love everything about myself without the enhancements,” says Ware. Living in a world where beauty can seem more important than who we are, learning to love our core can help enhance our self-confidence and view beauty as an accessory, not a necessity.
Kayla Greaves
Award-winning Beauty Journalist and former Beauty Editor at InStyle
“My mother was very big on beauty. I can’t remember when she ever went out without glam and a fit to match,” says Greaves. The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Greaves is an award-winning journalist who challenges beauty norms while looking effortless in glam. Like her mother, she has a wash and roller set and well-manicured nails. “She had her weekly wash days, followed by doing her own roller set, and while under the dryer, she would be doing her mani/pedi. Many of my memories of her have become fuzzy, but as a little girl, I remember looking up to her and thinking she was the most beautiful woman on the planet,” says Greaves.
Like most little girls, Greaves enjoyed playing in her mother's closet and makeup. She fell into beauty as she tried on her mother's clothes and indulged in her makeup bag. “I always wanted my nails painted, my hair done, and begged her to put a little blush on my cheeks before we went out,” says Greaves. Her mother's passion for beauty was soon embedded in her daughter, who couldn’t wait to define beauty for herself.
As Greaves grew up, she unfortunately couldn’t bask in conversation about beauty with her mother. However, she’s adopted what she remembers of her mom into her routine. “she always had a simple makeup routine, and I've adopted that. My go-to look is a combo of mascara, a little highlighter, and a well-lined red or nude lip. Ironically, I have my mother's lips—maybe that's why they're my favorite feature.” Greaves' mother's love for beauty will forever be remembered and carried through her daughter's spirit.
Shauna Beni-Haynes
Shopping Editor, Teen Vogue
Shauna Beni-Haynes' beauty routines are filled with so much life. From pink hair to vibrant makeup and fashion looks, Haynes' love for beauty knows no bounds. Although Haynes’ relationship with beauty is larger than life, her mom always kept things simple. “All she needed was a classic red lip, red nails, and a big, voluminous blowout. That was her go-to beauty routine, and I love looking back at her pictures and seeing how beautiful she looked,” says Haynes.
Similar to Haynes, her mother created her own rules when it came to beauty. A bold red lip and voluminous hair deeply impacted Haynes at a time when most were doing the opposite. “In a time when the beauty standard was focused on long, straight, silky hair, I could rock my natural curls loud and proud, thanks to the confidence instilled from my mom's beauty routine,” says Haynes. Her mother’s courage became rooted in a lesson for Haynes to use the beauty features she already had, allowing her to embrace her full self.
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Featured image by Asia Milia Ware/Instagram