Hustle A Job Or Hustle A Man? 9 Things I Learned About Sugar Babies
What is a sugar baby?
According to Wikipedia, 'sugaring' is a slang term for a young female or male who is being financially pampered, or cared for, by a ‘sugar daddy’ or ‘sugar mama’ in exchange for companionship. The game is so serious that there are dating sites dedicated to helping women find men who will pamper them, and even summits, that show women how to hook a rich man.
Back in 2013, I co-wrote my first screenplay about a financially frustrated young woman who went looking for a man to take care of her. Yes, she was a sugar baby and was looking f0r a sugar daddy or momma to pay her bills and pamper her, in exchange for companionship.
During the first few drafts of the story, my husband and I were broke and ended up homeless. As much as we love each other, we both thought about cheating on each other in exchange for someone with more money. We’re best friends, so when we eventually started talking about our thoughts, we opted for prayer instead of infidelity.
But everyone is not married to their best friend. The enticement of creating a companionship with another person outside of their relationship, in exchange for money is real for some people. Take Donald Sterlings sugar baby Vanessa Stiviano for instance. She made headlines after putting the Clippers' owner's racist rants on blast last year. Throughout their sugaring relationship, she was gifted with a $1.8 million duplex, and $800,000 in cash handouts and luxury cars including a Ferrari. She was sued by Sterling's wife who said Stiviano manipulated her 80-year-old husband, and in April, lost a lawsuit which required her to hand the $2.3 million in gifts, property and cash back over.
Every sugaring relationship is not going to end like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
What I can tell you is that I learned a great deal about the men and women who live on the edge of, what is essentially, the sex industry and it was very interesting to say the least.
This what I learned:
1. Some women feel like it's easier to hustle a man, than hustle a job!
Feminists have been preaching the idea that any woman can go out in the world and make something of herself. Although it can be true, there are women who find this concept difficult for several reasons.
One, some women find it easier to hustle a man who will care for her, than to hustle a job. The hypocrisy lies in the women who hustle for a man to care for them, and then look down their noses at women who are vocal about the amount of money a man must make in order to be with her. Whether this kind of woman gets a man with a factory job, or a man with a white collar job, they’re essentially doing the same thing.
Also, a lot of sugar babies have full time jobs. Some are lawyers, doctors, beauticians, fitness instructors, “Instagram models” you name it. “Sugaring” is more of a side hustle for them, than a full time gig. Probably because they realized long ago that they are not interested in making a way for themselves by themselves.
2. Sugar Babies are different from prostitutes.
Just because the relationship is arranged, or doesn't follow the rules of traditional courtship, does not make it illegal. There are huge differences between sugar babies and prostitutes.
According to Seeking Arrangement:
A prostitute and a client have a transactional relationship. They meet, exchange funds, and participate in some sort of physical act and part ways. Typically, this is a one time occurrence. A job. There is no relationship, and no possibility for a relationship. And that is the key difference really: Relationship.Sugar Babies and Sugar Daddies have on-going relationships, not transactions.
Sugar is a lifestyle choice, not a profession. A sugar baby is a woman who wants to date financially secure men who can provide her with the lifestyle she desires. She’s selective about who she dates; a prostitute isn’t picky about who she takes on as a client.
3. Real sugar babies move in silence.
Remember the xonecole.com article, “Dear “Rich” Instagram Fashionista, You’re Giving Me Anxiety”? The writer of the article was right when she said that a lot of Instagram fashionistas have a leased or borrowed lifestyle.
But a real sugar baby will show off what she has as a way to “market” the lifestyle, and a lot of times what she is showing you is 100% paid for (at least with the sugar babies that I’ve met). You’ll never see her face, and she’ll never mention her sugar daddy’s name. Those are the rules.
Why? A lot of people meet their benefactors on social media.As she shows off her lifestyle, the “potential”, or pot, will know how to approach her if you can’t afford what she’s showing you in the photo, then step off.
There’s also some sugar babies who “market” the lifestyle as a way to show newbies the game. They want you to DM them so they can help you to not get ripped off by a pot, because they were once vulnerable themselves. This part of the game is pretty deep. All you have to do is search “sugar baby” on Tumblr, and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about.
4. They will do anything to keep their kid(s) from going hungry.
The first sugar baby that I met, Laila, was a the divorcee with six children. I listened to her story about how her husband left her high and dry with the house, the car, and the bills to go with it.
With no job skills, and an empty refrigerator, she entertained a man for a few hours in exchange for money. $30,000 later, she was able to feed her kids something very nice, and probably organic. (Oh, and please note that not all sugars can yield that kind of paycheck her first time. Leila just got lucky.)
She absolutely could have done something different to improve her financial situation. But as a mother, when times are desperate, you’re not going to ask many questions about what you could do to improve your situation. You’re just going to make immediate changes. Sometimes without thinking twice about what you’re doing.
5. Some women fall into the 'Sugar Baby' game to pay off debt and build wealth.
The first two sugars that I chatted with online were both beautiful black women who were students. Their wants were the same as any other college student to get an education minus the debt.
A Pew Institute study states that Millennials are the besteducated generation in history, and 34 percent of them have at least a bachelor’s degree. But a 2009 study of 25,000 Millennialsfound that nearly 20% of the employees polled between the ages of 21 and 30 had seen at least one pay cut since 2008, and 14% suffered a layoff
Compound that with out of control student loan debt (In 2011, twothirds of college graduates average someone around $27,000 in student loan debt); High unemployment (53 percent are either jobless or underemployed); And the 36 percent of young adults ages 18-31 who are still living at home, and it’s easy to see why college students flock to the sugar lifestyle.
What I also learned was that many sugar babies aren’t just using the generosity of their sugar daddies to pay off student loans, but they’re also using their money to build wealth. One of the best sugar babies in the game, Taylor B. Jones, teaches sugar baby college students how to turn the money they receive from their benefactors into a profit. They’re actually using their money to build a future, which is essential for sugar babies, especially when they decide to leave the lifestyle.
6. They stay in their lane, and will even go through extra strides to keep his wife happy.
If you are a sugar baby, you don’t surprise him on the job, and you may never do things publicly in the city where you both live. You’re there to make him happy, and often times do what his wife isn’t doing for him at home.
Laila told me this story about how she would use use her benefactor’s credit card to buy his wife gifts on his behalf. Her logic was simple: happy wife, happy life. It was obvious he was messing up his marriage if he was cheating with Laila. That’s where she came in.
She purchased his wife Tiffany’s bracelets, Red Bottoms, and other fancy gifts all the time. Unfortunately, the wife was so short sighted, that she didn’t really take a good look at her husband’s actions to realize that the signs of him cheating were right there in her face. She was too busy admiring her new shoes and jewelry.
As long as his wife is happy, then the relationship can continue, which means that the sugar is still getting paid.
7. No 'brainless' women allowed.
Wives often have this idea that if her husband is cheating, it’s with someone young and stupid. That’s not always the case. Some sugar daddies/mommas want someone intelligent as they are beautiful. Oh, and if a benefactor finds that his sugar knows how to build his wealth, then his sugar is going to be around for while, probably.
Don’t get me wrong, there are benefactors who are only looking for someone pretty, young, and brainless to play with. But a sugar baby’s job is mainly to build a relationship with the person they are involved with. Some sugars never sleep with their benefactors.
8. You're not going to date Richard Gere, he's not an ATM.
This is game is not "Pretty Woman" and you're probably not going to date Richard Gere. In fact, The Escort Lover says on his blog that new sugar babies should be prepared to date below their normal standards. Whether you like it or not, Christian Grey probably won't be on Seeking Arrangements looking for a sugar baby. What you may end up getting is what Robin had to deal with when she slept with her co-worker Michael in Waiting To Exhale.
You must also remember that your sugar daddy is not your personal ATM (although his generosity can make you feel that way). Your relationship is built on mutual respect and trust.
Also, don't jump into a relationship if you're not prepared to date someone that may be fat, ugly, have a Jheri Curl, or still wears a Members Only Jacket.
9. Rape, kidnap, and drugs are real.
Simply put, some sugar daddies/mommas are butt holes, and no woman or man is above being raped by anyone willing to do it.
Many things can happen if they’re not cautious. For example, a sugar baby may have a benefactor like Laila’s, an elderly man who slept with another sugar baby and died on top of her after a coke binge. Or that one time Laila went out of town with a different benefactor, and he basically kidnapped her and kept her in a hotel past their arranged dates. You have to really protect yourself.
What I ultimately learned is that, although I personally wouldn't do it, I don't judge or knock their hustle. Sugar babies go into the game wanting a partner they can learn something from, especially when it comes to building and maintaining wealth. It’s not just a lifestyle, it’s a business arrangement that, in many cases, is helping them to secure their future.
The real question is, at what cost? Is getting paid to spend time with someone you may not have any attraction to or want to build a future with worth the money? And what if it leads to sex? As the saying goes, nothing in this world is free--especially if it comes with a hefty payoff.
Have you ever been or considered being a sugar baby?
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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More Than A Party: Good Eats, Relaxation, And Unique Spa Vibes In Cabo San Lucas
Many of us know Mexico’s Cabo San Lucas to be the center for spring break partying. In fact, US News And Report ranked it No. 4 on its “Best Spring Break Destinations list,” and it’s been famously visited by our favorite hot girl, Megan Thee Stallion. And while I love my girl Tina Snow, the party reputation that preceded her recent visit is one reason I never visited Cabo. However, on a recent trip, when I got the chance to experience Corazón Cabo Resort And Spa, I was pleasantly surprised to find that all my limited preconceived notions about this region were totally wrong.
Cabo presents opportunities for recharge, relaxation, and soul-feeding good eats. Here’s more on my transformative experience where the awe-inspiring desert meets the serene waters:
Courtesy, Corazón Cabo Resort and Spa
Where I Stayed
One major thing I loved about Corazón Cabo Resort and Spa is that it offered unique luxury amenities without sacrificing a certain cozy allure I crave when choosing a place to stay in a new destination. The property, which features sculptures and installations by local artists, has 305 guest rooms and suites. My room had an ocean view, with Cabo’s world-famous rock formations within the distance, floor-to-ceiling glass sliding doors, plush bedding, a hot tub, and a spa-style shower. It was enough to make me never want to actually leave the suite, and there’s a signature scent that hugs as you walk down the property’s halls.
Corazón, located off of Medano Beach (one of the “most popular swimmable beaches in Cabo,”) has several towers, all featuring attractive, diverse options for almost any traveler— from spaces fit for families and small groups to oversized luxury suites with elegant decor, in-room kitchens, rooftop terraces, wet bars, and huge patios.
Courtesy, Corazón Cabo Resort and Spa
Where I Ate And Best Drinks
The resort has multiple signature restaurants, including Aleta, a waterfront space that offers dishes with fresh-caught seafood. My favorite lunchtime standouts were ceviche (a refreshing traditional Mexican dish made with fish or shellfish, marinated in citrus, cilantro, peppers, and other flavors) and, of course, an assortment of tacos on corn or flour tortillas. (I tried cactus, octopus, fish, beef, pork, and shrimp, and none of them disappointed.) The Caribbean spirit in me is adventurous when it comes to food and heat, so you can enjoy both when there.
At dinner, there was a plethora of fresh farm-to-table Mexican dishes, something I was excited about since Mexican cuisine is not limited to tacos. Their marinated steak, a divine Caesar salad, the smoked braised brisket, Yucatan pork empanadas, and crusted sea bass served with a creamy risotto were my favs.
Another hot spot for good food and cocktails is Rooftop 360, located on the ninth floor. The best time to go is right before sunset, where you can see all the meshing of pastel purples, pinks, yellows, and blues dancing across the sky in panoramic views of the Sea of Cortez.
Courtesy, Corazón Cabo Resort and Spa
Courtesy, Corazón Cabo Resort and Spa
It was whimsical, romantic, and awe-inspiring. At night there’s a live DJ, and the key food highlights were their varieties of freshly made sushi, their chips and guacamole, and their signature drinks made with mezcal, which takes tequila to a whole other level with its smoky undertones. Trust and believe I won’t be ordering my usual Patron margarita the next time I’m at my favorite bar in the States.
The property also has the Camaleón Café, where I skipped the coffee and enjoyed a refreshing green juice, more ideal (for me) when prepping to go on a food tour or other excursion. The Baja Brewing Co., touted as the “first and only microbrewery in all of Baja California Sur,” is also on the rooftop terrace and boasts a beer crust pizza. (And if you know anything about beer and dough-making, you know this is a next-level combo since it gives the crust a certain texture and flavor that’s simply chef’s kiss!) You can also enjoy one of the other on-site bars, including Draque, which gave sexy-chic city vibes in the middle of a seaside oasis. Again, mezcal wins here, so order anything they offer on the menu with it.
Fun By The Seaside
The Corazón Beach Club was my favorite chill spot on the beach, where I enjoyed bar food, including wings, sushi, nachos, and the usual grilled fare. One particular Mexican-flared goodie took my heart: Their “Beach Hot Dog,” an addictively good sausage wrapped in bacon and served with mayo and pico de gallo on a brioche bun. There’s a DJ nearby, and it’s great for enjoying margaritas while people-watching and buying mementos to take home from the beach-side vendors walking back and forth advertising their goods. (I bought a T-shirt for bae and a chic large straw bag with Mexican tapestry accents.)
There are also several infinity pools with great views, where you can lounge, swim, order drinks, and simply enjoy the breeze and views. If you’re adventurous, you can book activities including paddleboarding, snuba (a cross between scuba and snorkeling, and eFoil (basically electric surfing). Or you can book a boat ride to see El Arco (or “The Arc,”) and make a stop at Playa del Amor (Lover's Beach), a beautifully quaint seaside spot, one of several with folklore tales.
Healing, Meditation, And Reflection
Corazón Cabo also offers services like the chakra massage at Sparitual, as well as aqua yoga. Both were just what I needed after a very busy and challenging two quarters of constant work and realignment. I wasn’t familiar with the benefits of chakra-related remedies nor its credibility going in. I’m a Christian, so typically I’d stay away from those sorts of things, but what I took from the experience was an open mind to expand my spiritual palate within the context of what I already believe.
It was a good sign that the chakra massage session started with the affirmation, “I am important, I am healthy, and I rebuke negative energy.” I'd actually prayed and gone to church right before the trip, so this was no more than confirmation about things I’d already been talking to God about.
Other interesting moments during the massage session were the scent of cloves (or some sort of mint) that I was asked to breathe in— a soothing note— and a shot of Damiana Liqueur, an herb-based Mexican drink that came from a bottle shaped like a curvy seated woman. I left the session feeling not only like the kinks in my back were literally rubbed out but thinking more positively about myself and the challenges I’m overcoming in this season.
Courtesy, Corazón Cabo Resort and Spa
Doing aqua yoga was another first-time adventure that helped me get past my hang-ups about water, my need to control everything in life, and my constant anxiety. It forced me to focus on balance, a theme both metaphorically and literally super-relevant right now. The instructor was patient, as initially I struggled to even get on the mat (which was anchored by weights so that it wouldn’t topple or float away). At more than 200 lbs, I came to Mexico a bit weary and felt heavy in many respects. While the water wasn’t deep in the infinity pool where we did the activity, overlooking the sea, I just didn’t want to embarrass myself.
The instructor kept quietly affirming, “You can do it. Take your time,” and her assistant even came in to help hold the mat while I awkwardly mounted it. Soon, I’d flow into the positions, appreciate the deep breathing techniques, and release the pressures through my hips, back, and arms.
I’ll definitely be venturing back to Cabo to continue the healing work that was done, experience more fresh foods, and get better acquainted with the wonderful wonders of God’s creations in Baja California Sur.
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Featured image by Getty Images