Hustle A Job Or Hustle A Man? 9 Things I Learned About Sugar Babies
What is a sugar baby?
According to Wikipedia, 'sugaring' is a slang term for a young female or male who is being financially pampered, or cared for, by a ‘sugar daddy’ or ‘sugar mama’ in exchange for companionship. The game is so serious that there are dating sites dedicated to helping women find men who will pamper them, and even summits, that show women how to hook a rich man.
Back in 2013, I co-wrote my first screenplay about a financially frustrated young woman who went looking for a man to take care of her. Yes, she was a sugar baby and was looking f0r a sugar daddy or momma to pay her bills and pamper her, in exchange for companionship.
During the first few drafts of the story, my husband and I were broke and ended up homeless. As much as we love each other, we both thought about cheating on each other in exchange for someone with more money. We’re best friends, so when we eventually started talking about our thoughts, we opted for prayer instead of infidelity.
But everyone is not married to their best friend. The enticement of creating a companionship with another person outside of their relationship, in exchange for money is real for some people. Take Donald Sterlings sugar baby Vanessa Stiviano for instance. She made headlines after putting the Clippers' owner's racist rants on blast last year. Throughout their sugaring relationship, she was gifted with a $1.8 million duplex, and $800,000 in cash handouts and luxury cars including a Ferrari. She was sued by Sterling's wife who said Stiviano manipulated her 80-year-old husband, and in April, lost a lawsuit which required her to hand the $2.3 million in gifts, property and cash back over.
Every sugaring relationship is not going to end like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
What I can tell you is that I learned a great deal about the men and women who live on the edge of, what is essentially, the sex industry and it was very interesting to say the least.
This what I learned:
1. Some women feel like it's easier to hustle a man, than hustle a job!
Feminists have been preaching the idea that any woman can go out in the world and make something of herself. Although it can be true, there are women who find this concept difficult for several reasons.
One, some women find it easier to hustle a man who will care for her, than to hustle a job. The hypocrisy lies in the women who hustle for a man to care for them, and then look down their noses at women who are vocal about the amount of money a man must make in order to be with her. Whether this kind of woman gets a man with a factory job, or a man with a white collar job, they’re essentially doing the same thing.
Also, a lot of sugar babies have full time jobs. Some are lawyers, doctors, beauticians, fitness instructors, “Instagram models” you name it. “Sugaring” is more of a side hustle for them, than a full time gig. Probably because they realized long ago that they are not interested in making a way for themselves by themselves.
2. Sugar Babies are different from prostitutes.
Just because the relationship is arranged, or doesn't follow the rules of traditional courtship, does not make it illegal. There are huge differences between sugar babies and prostitutes.
According to Seeking Arrangement:
A prostitute and a client have a transactional relationship. They meet, exchange funds, and participate in some sort of physical act and part ways. Typically, this is a one time occurrence. A job. There is no relationship, and no possibility for a relationship. And that is the key difference really: Relationship.Sugar Babies and Sugar Daddies have on-going relationships, not transactions.
Sugar is a lifestyle choice, not a profession. A sugar baby is a woman who wants to date financially secure men who can provide her with the lifestyle she desires. She’s selective about who she dates; a prostitute isn’t picky about who she takes on as a client.
3. Real sugar babies move in silence.
Remember the xonecole.com article, “Dear “Rich” Instagram Fashionista, You’re Giving Me Anxiety”? The writer of the article was right when she said that a lot of Instagram fashionistas have a leased or borrowed lifestyle.
But a real sugar baby will show off what she has as a way to “market” the lifestyle, and a lot of times what she is showing you is 100% paid for (at least with the sugar babies that I’ve met). You’ll never see her face, and she’ll never mention her sugar daddy’s name. Those are the rules.
Why? A lot of people meet their benefactors on social media.As she shows off her lifestyle, the “potential”, or pot, will know how to approach her if you can’t afford what she’s showing you in the photo, then step off.
There’s also some sugar babies who “market” the lifestyle as a way to show newbies the game. They want you to DM them so they can help you to not get ripped off by a pot, because they were once vulnerable themselves. This part of the game is pretty deep. All you have to do is search “sugar baby” on Tumblr, and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about.
4. They will do anything to keep their kid(s) from going hungry.
The first sugar baby that I met, Laila, was a the divorcee with six children. I listened to her story about how her husband left her high and dry with the house, the car, and the bills to go with it.
With no job skills, and an empty refrigerator, she entertained a man for a few hours in exchange for money. $30,000 later, she was able to feed her kids something very nice, and probably organic. (Oh, and please note that not all sugars can yield that kind of paycheck her first time. Leila just got lucky.)
She absolutely could have done something different to improve her financial situation. But as a mother, when times are desperate, you’re not going to ask many questions about what you could do to improve your situation. You’re just going to make immediate changes. Sometimes without thinking twice about what you’re doing.
5. Some women fall into the 'Sugar Baby' game to pay off debt and build wealth.
The first two sugars that I chatted with online were both beautiful black women who were students. Their wants were the same as any other college student to get an education minus the debt.
A Pew Institute study states that Millennials are the besteducated generation in history, and 34 percent of them have at least a bachelor’s degree. But a 2009 study of 25,000 Millennialsfound that nearly 20% of the employees polled between the ages of 21 and 30 had seen at least one pay cut since 2008, and 14% suffered a layoff
Compound that with out of control student loan debt (In 2011, twothirds of college graduates average someone around $27,000 in student loan debt); High unemployment (53 percent are either jobless or underemployed); And the 36 percent of young adults ages 18-31 who are still living at home, and it’s easy to see why college students flock to the sugar lifestyle.
What I also learned was that many sugar babies aren’t just using the generosity of their sugar daddies to pay off student loans, but they’re also using their money to build wealth. One of the best sugar babies in the game, Taylor B. Jones, teaches sugar baby college students how to turn the money they receive from their benefactors into a profit. They’re actually using their money to build a future, which is essential for sugar babies, especially when they decide to leave the lifestyle.
6. They stay in their lane, and will even go through extra strides to keep his wife happy.
If you are a sugar baby, you don’t surprise him on the job, and you may never do things publicly in the city where you both live. You’re there to make him happy, and often times do what his wife isn’t doing for him at home.
Laila told me this story about how she would use use her benefactor’s credit card to buy his wife gifts on his behalf. Her logic was simple: happy wife, happy life. It was obvious he was messing up his marriage if he was cheating with Laila. That’s where she came in.
She purchased his wife Tiffany’s bracelets, Red Bottoms, and other fancy gifts all the time. Unfortunately, the wife was so short sighted, that she didn’t really take a good look at her husband’s actions to realize that the signs of him cheating were right there in her face. She was too busy admiring her new shoes and jewelry.
As long as his wife is happy, then the relationship can continue, which means that the sugar is still getting paid.
7. No 'brainless' women allowed.
Wives often have this idea that if her husband is cheating, it’s with someone young and stupid. That’s not always the case. Some sugar daddies/mommas want someone intelligent as they are beautiful. Oh, and if a benefactor finds that his sugar knows how to build his wealth, then his sugar is going to be around for while, probably.
Don’t get me wrong, there are benefactors who are only looking for someone pretty, young, and brainless to play with. But a sugar baby’s job is mainly to build a relationship with the person they are involved with. Some sugars never sleep with their benefactors.
8. You're not going to date Richard Gere, he's not an ATM.
This is game is not "Pretty Woman" and you're probably not going to date Richard Gere. In fact, The Escort Lover says on his blog that new sugar babies should be prepared to date below their normal standards. Whether you like it or not, Christian Grey probably won't be on Seeking Arrangements looking for a sugar baby. What you may end up getting is what Robin had to deal with when she slept with her co-worker Michael in Waiting To Exhale.
You must also remember that your sugar daddy is not your personal ATM (although his generosity can make you feel that way). Your relationship is built on mutual respect and trust.
Also, don't jump into a relationship if you're not prepared to date someone that may be fat, ugly, have a Jheri Curl, or still wears a Members Only Jacket.
9. Rape, kidnap, and drugs are real.
Simply put, some sugar daddies/mommas are butt holes, and no woman or man is above being raped by anyone willing to do it.
Many things can happen if they’re not cautious. For example, a sugar baby may have a benefactor like Laila’s, an elderly man who slept with another sugar baby and died on top of her after a coke binge. Or that one time Laila went out of town with a different benefactor, and he basically kidnapped her and kept her in a hotel past their arranged dates. You have to really protect yourself.
What I ultimately learned is that, although I personally wouldn't do it, I don't judge or knock their hustle. Sugar babies go into the game wanting a partner they can learn something from, especially when it comes to building and maintaining wealth. It’s not just a lifestyle, it’s a business arrangement that, in many cases, is helping them to secure their future.
The real question is, at what cost? Is getting paid to spend time with someone you may not have any attraction to or want to build a future with worth the money? And what if it leads to sex? As the saying goes, nothing in this world is free--especially if it comes with a hefty payoff.
Have you ever been or considered being a sugar baby?
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Between the rise of the creator economy and the gig economy, the window of opportunity to leverage your creativity for long-term gain has never been more potent.
For the last four years, I’ve worked as a full-time freelance writer and content creator. A year into this journey, I knew that if I wanted to create a sense of structure around my life outside of a traditional 9-5, I would have to create it.
To my surprise, that came in the form of social media.
Now, you might be wondering how someone might be able to juggle their work in a creatively-dominant career like writing while still having the mental capacity to produce ideas for their own personal brand, and well, that answer didn’t come easily.
In 2021, I hit a wall with writing and content creation.
With the stress and uncertainty that came as a result of the pandemic, to being burned out from having to live off my creativity, I reached a breaking point. For me, writing was always a space to explore my thoughts, process heavy topics, and express concepts that only words could bring reason to. However, when I didn’t have the brainpower to write or create content, I knew it was time to set parameters around my hobby of content creation and my passion for storytelling.
In this case, the biggest challenge was finding the balance between the two by releasing the guilt and shame of taking a break from both in order to reconnect with them.
Through years of trial and error, the fog finally cleared, and I was able to hit my stride in 2023. From garnering over 10K followers on TikTok, building an Instagram community around lifestyle and creative encouragement, along with my wellness collective, Black Girl Playground, and writing for xoNecole as a lifestyle contributor, the creative juices have been flowing steadily.
And it all happened by creating a strategy that allowed space for planning, resting, and creating. Today, I’ll be sharing my top tips to help you find your balance between your side hustle and passions.
On staying inspired and motivated when working on various content creation and freelancing projects:
Early this year, I came to the bright conclusion that I needed to shorten the gap between ideation and execution — and it completely changed how I create.
Oftentimes, when we have an idea come to us, we let it sit for too long, and then before we know it, we’ve either lost the enthusiasm to put it into action, or someone else grabs it. If you want to stay in a flow of creativity, whether side projects or full-time work, it’s important to not get slowed down by self-doubt, procrastination, or perfectionism.
Give yourself permission to act on your ideas as they come to you. Even if they’re a little muddy or not “perfect,” you can always fine-tune them later.
@yagirlaley shrinking the gap between [ideation] + [execution] 🧠💡#fyp #creativeadvice
On the importance of choosing a niche:
If there’s one thing that has helped me balance my work as a writer and content creator, it’s putting each in its own niche (or category). By definition, a niche is a specialized segment of the market or a specific area of expertise.
When you are creating in the same niche that you’re also making a living in, that’s an easy way to get your wires crossed. And at times, this could lead to feeling as if you don’t have any ideas for yourself because you’ve given them to the other area you're juggling.
When balancing two, you want to have enough fresh ideas to give to your personal projects and your full-time work to avoid any overlap. This ensures that your personal creative vision isn’t compromised when working on client projects while still having some for yourself.
On the strategies that have helped to maintain a consistent workflow in both areas:
I can’t stress enough how important it is to create a workflow and structure for yourself as a freelancer — this applies to those with a 9-5 in the day and a 5-9 at night, too.
As someone who admittedly has ADHD tendencies, object permanence can sometimes create a block in time and project management. That’s why I encourage creatives and professionals to create systems that allow you to see the work that’s ahead of you.
Personally, I can’t live without having multiple calendars going at once. My Google calendar keeps track of interviews for articles and events, while my physical calendar helps me keep track of important dates. I also work out of an Excel sheet where I can log in ongoing stories and track their status from drafting to submission. I’ve also heard great things about the Notion app for planning and tracking.
When it comes to creating content, spending time doing bulk content days has been an asset to my creative workflow. When I complete the videos, I save them to my drafts and upload them as needed.
Credit: Amberita
Courtesy of the writer
On the best advice for someone who is considering pursuing both content creation and freelancing simultaneously:
Don’t be ashamed of taking a break and resting — because both are essential to the life of a creative. Last month, I returned to Instagram after taking 6 months off from posting. During that time, I worked on growing my TikTok page, using the platform to practice vulnerability and allowing myself to put the fun back into creating content. Without the time, I can’t say I’d be able to approach Instagram with the same ease and playfulness; but thanks to that time away, it was possible.
Resting, letting our minds wander, or simply doing nothing are all just as productive as creating. No one can produce at all times, we have to allow ourselves the space for new concepts and ideas to flow to us. In addition to that, when we take breaks from social media, it allows us to stop the wheel of comparison and consume more than we create. So if you feel like you’re in a creative rut with all you want to balance, it may be time to take a step back, unapologetically.
Your creativity will thank you for it.
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Featured image by Sir Taylor