What is a sugar baby?
According to Wikipedia, 'sugaring' is a slang term for a young female or male who is being financially pampered, or cared for, by a ‘sugar daddy’ or ‘sugar mama’ in exchange for companionship. The game is so serious that there are dating sites dedicated to helping women find men who will pamper them, and even summits, that show women how to hook a rich man.
Back in 2013, I co-wrote my first screenplay about a financially frustrated young woman who went looking for a man to take care of her. Yes, she was a sugar baby and was looking f0r a sugar daddy or momma to pay her bills and pamper her, in exchange for companionship.
During the first few drafts of the story, my husband and I were broke and ended up homeless. As much as we love each other, we both thought about cheating on each other in exchange for someone with more money. We’re best friends, so when we eventually started talking about our thoughts, we opted for prayer instead of infidelity.
But everyone is not married to their best friend. The enticement of creating a companionship with another person outside of their relationship, in exchange for money is real for some people. Take Donald Sterlings sugar baby Vanessa Stiviano for instance. She made headlines after putting the Clippers' owner's racist rants on blast last year. Throughout their sugaring relationship, she was gifted with a $1.8 million duplex, and $800,000 in cash handouts and luxury cars including a Ferrari. She was sued by Sterling's wife who said Stiviano manipulated her 80-year-old husband, and in April, lost a lawsuit which required her to hand the $2.3 million in gifts, property and cash back over.
Every sugaring relationship is not going to end like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
What I can tell you is that I learned a great deal about the men and women who live on the edge of, what is essentially, the sex industry and it was very interesting to say the least.
This what I learned:
1. Some women feel like it's easier to hustle a man, than hustle a job!
Feminists have been preaching the idea that any woman can go out in the world and make something of herself. Although it can be true, there are women who find this concept difficult for several reasons.
One, some women find it easier to hustle a man who will care for her, than to hustle a job. The hypocrisy lies in the women who hustle for a man to care for them, and then look down their noses at women who are vocal about the amount of money a man must make in order to be with her. Whether this kind of woman gets a man with a factory job, or a man with a white collar job, they’re essentially doing the same thing.
Also, a lot of sugar babies have full time jobs. Some are lawyers, doctors, beauticians, fitness instructors, “Instagram models” you name it. “Sugaring” is more of a side hustle for them, than a full time gig. Probably because they realized long ago that they are not interested in making a way for themselves by themselves.
2. Sugar Babies are different from prostitutes.
Just because the relationship is arranged, or doesn't follow the rules of traditional courtship, does not make it illegal. There are huge differences between sugar babies and prostitutes.
According to Seeking Arrangement:
A prostitute and a client have a transactional relationship. They meet, exchange funds, and participate in some sort of physical act and part ways. Typically, this is a one time occurrence. A job. There is no relationship, and no possibility for a relationship. And that is the key difference really: Relationship.Sugar Babies and Sugar Daddies have on-going relationships, not transactions.
Sugar is a lifestyle choice, not a profession. A sugar baby is a woman who wants to date financially secure men who can provide her with the lifestyle she desires. She’s selective about who she dates; a prostitute isn’t picky about who she takes on as a client.
3. Real sugar babies move in silence.
Remember the xonecole.com article, “Dear “Rich” Instagram Fashionista, You’re Giving Me Anxiety”? The writer of the article was right when she said that a lot of Instagram fashionistas have a leased or borrowed lifestyle.
But a real sugar baby will show off what she has as a way to “market” the lifestyle, and a lot of times what she is showing you is 100% paid for (at least with the sugar babies that I’ve met). You’ll never see her face, and she’ll never mention her sugar daddy’s name. Those are the rules.
Why? A lot of people meet their benefactors on social media.As she shows off her lifestyle, the “potential”, or pot, will know how to approach her if you can’t afford what she’s showing you in the photo, then step off.
There’s also some sugar babies who “market” the lifestyle as a way to show newbies the game. They want you to DM them so they can help you to not get ripped off by a pot, because they were once vulnerable themselves. This part of the game is pretty deep. All you have to do is search “sugar baby” on Tumblr, and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about.
4. They will do anything to keep their kid(s) from going hungry.
The first sugar baby that I met, Laila, was a the divorcee with six children. I listened to her story about how her husband left her high and dry with the house, the car, and the bills to go with it.
With no job skills, and an empty refrigerator, she entertained a man for a few hours in exchange for money. $30,000 later, she was able to feed her kids something very nice, and probably organic. (Oh, and please note that not all sugars can yield that kind of paycheck her first time. Leila just got lucky.)
She absolutely could have done something different to improve her financial situation. But as a mother, when times are desperate, you’re not going to ask many questions about what you could do to improve your situation. You’re just going to make immediate changes. Sometimes without thinking twice about what you’re doing.
5. Some women fall into the 'Sugar Baby' game to pay off debt and build wealth.
The first two sugars that I chatted with online were both beautiful black women who were students. Their wants were the same as any other college student to get an education minus the debt.
A Pew Institute study states that Millennials are the besteducated generation in history, and 34 percent of them have at least a bachelor’s degree. But a 2009 study of 25,000 Millennialsfound that nearly 20% of the employees polled between the ages of 21 and 30 had seen at least one pay cut since 2008, and 14% suffered a layoff
Compound that with out of control student loan debt (In 2011, twothirds of college graduates average someone around $27,000 in student loan debt); High unemployment (53 percent are either jobless or underemployed); And the 36 percent of young adults ages 18-31 who are still living at home, and it’s easy to see why college students flock to the sugar lifestyle.
What I also learned was that many sugar babies aren’t just using the generosity of their sugar daddies to pay off student loans, but they’re also using their money to build wealth. One of the best sugar babies in the game, Taylor B. Jones, teaches sugar baby college students how to turn the money they receive from their benefactors into a profit. They’re actually using their money to build a future, which is essential for sugar babies, especially when they decide to leave the lifestyle.
6. They stay in their lane, and will even go through extra strides to keep his wife happy.
If you are a sugar baby, you don’t surprise him on the job, and you may never do things publicly in the city where you both live. You’re there to make him happy, and often times do what his wife isn’t doing for him at home.
Laila told me this story about how she would use use her benefactor’s credit card to buy his wife gifts on his behalf. Her logic was simple: happy wife, happy life. It was obvious he was messing up his marriage if he was cheating with Laila. That’s where she came in.
She purchased his wife Tiffany’s bracelets, Red Bottoms, and other fancy gifts all the time. Unfortunately, the wife was so short sighted, that she didn’t really take a good look at her husband’s actions to realize that the signs of him cheating were right there in her face. She was too busy admiring her new shoes and jewelry.
As long as his wife is happy, then the relationship can continue, which means that the sugar is still getting paid.
7. No 'brainless' women allowed.
Wives often have this idea that if her husband is cheating, it’s with someone young and stupid. That’s not always the case. Some sugar daddies/mommas want someone intelligent as they are beautiful. Oh, and if a benefactor finds that his sugar knows how to build his wealth, then his sugar is going to be around for while, probably.
Don’t get me wrong, there are benefactors who are only looking for someone pretty, young, and brainless to play with. But a sugar baby’s job is mainly to build a relationship with the person they are involved with. Some sugars never sleep with their benefactors.
8. You're not going to date Richard Gere, he's not an ATM.
This is game is not "Pretty Woman" and you're probably not going to date Richard Gere. In fact, The Escort Lover says on his blog that new sugar babies should be prepared to date below their normal standards. Whether you like it or not, Christian Grey probably won't be on Seeking Arrangements looking for a sugar baby. What you may end up getting is what Robin had to deal with when she slept with her co-worker Michael in Waiting To Exhale.
You must also remember that your sugar daddy is not your personal ATM (although his generosity can make you feel that way). Your relationship is built on mutual respect and trust.
Also, don't jump into a relationship if you're not prepared to date someone that may be fat, ugly, have a Jheri Curl, or still wears a Members Only Jacket.
9. Rape, kidnap, and drugs are real.
Simply put, some sugar daddies/mommas are butt holes, and no woman or man is above being raped by anyone willing to do it.
Many things can happen if they’re not cautious. For example, a sugar baby may have a benefactor like Laila’s, an elderly man who slept with another sugar baby and died on top of her after a coke binge. Or that one time Laila went out of town with a different benefactor, and he basically kidnapped her and kept her in a hotel past their arranged dates. You have to really protect yourself.
What I ultimately learned is that, although I personally wouldn't do it, I don't judge or knock their hustle. Sugar babies go into the game wanting a partner they can learn something from, especially when it comes to building and maintaining wealth. It’s not just a lifestyle, it’s a business arrangement that, in many cases, is helping them to secure their future.
The real question is, at what cost? Is getting paid to spend time with someone you may not have any attraction to or want to build a future with worth the money? And what if it leads to sex? As the saying goes, nothing in this world is free--especially if it comes with a hefty payoff.
Have you ever been or considered being a sugar baby?
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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