8 Empowering Mantras From Tracee Ellis Ross That We All Should Live By
With so much negative space and energy on the Internet, reading the refreshing words of wisdom from Black-ish star Tracee Ellis Ross is always a welcomed change. Basically, she's my girlfriend in my head.
Tracee is constantly offering up some great words of wisdom that any woman can turn into a daily mantra to help themselves live their best lives. From loving yourself as you are today to embracing fear, check out her wise words to anyone looking to live and feel whole.
1.Stop Worrying About What You're Supposed To Be
In an interveiw with Motto:
We spend so much time as women in our culture being told that we are 'supposed' to be something: 'Supposed' to be married, 'supposed' to be a certain weight, 'supposed' to do a certain thing. There's so much that gets left out. If you're so focused on the scale, you'll miss a lot of other things. I'm known for my style, I love beautiful clothing and makeup. I love all of those things, and there's space to be all of those things as a woman. There's space to be sexual and beautiful and intelligent—all of it. And I think any messaging that limits it, it's time for it to be done.
2.Have An Unconditional Relationship With Yourself As You Are Right Now
via Tracee's sit-down with Huffington Post:
This quote changed the direction of my life honestly: 'Right now, can you make an unconditional relationship with yourself? Just at the height you are? The weight you are? With the intelligence that you have? And your current burden of pain? Can you enter into an unconditional relationship with that?' And it changed the course of my life because I felt like so often it's, 'How can I be something other than I am?' There's a lot of ways that I make myself happy and I think, for me, happiness is not always the goal, but joy more. Happy is sometimes is a little fleeting for me and I think we can be as happy as we make our minds up to be. It was said to me, and it made me roll my eyes, 'It's about the journey.' But it really is.
3.Celebrate The #BlackGirlMagic Within Yourself And Others
via The Cut :
I need to see my own beauty and to continue to be reminded that I am enough, that I am worthy of love without effort, that I am beautiful, that the texture of my hair and that the shape of my curves, the size of my lips, the color of my skin, and the feelings that I have are all worthy and okay....I really feel like there's a paradigm shift that has occurred in the last ten years for how black women in this country are seen, the voice that we have, how we see ourselves, how we - our images are portrayed. I want to see images that remind me that I am beautiful and I am enough, so that I don't have to waste any energy feeling ashamed of myself or any of that, so I can actually go out and do extraordinary things. Using my voice to recognize and celebrate other women is a joy for me.
4.Find Your Truth By Surrounding Yourself With Like-Minded Friends
via Motto:
That is a daily exercise big and small, finding one's own voice and finding your truth. There are a ton of tools I use. I think, first and foremost, having a relationship with a core group of like-minded, supportive, compassionate humans that become your counsel is extremely important. Having your own tribe of people, some of which are in exactly the same place as you, that mirror your own experience and help you to see your own experience in a loving and compassionate way.
5.Listen To Fear And Learn From It
via her speech at the Essence's Black Women in Hollywood luncheon:
"We should remind ourselves in daily life to make space for selfhood...Boobs don't belong up here, they belong down here. This is where God put them. I am human. I listen to fear and lean into it. I don't always feel fierce but I do feel human."
6.Embrace Your God-Given Beauty
via The Cut;
I used to try to beat my hair into submission so that it could look like other people's hair. The moment that I stopped doing that and allowed my hair to be what it is, I came alive. If how I do my hair inspires them to find a new style for the way they want to do their hair, then God bless. I didn't love my hair growing up, I didn't love my body growing up, all those kinds of things. To then have people mirror back that it's good — it's really nice. I feel like our culture is so good at pulling other people down and being so judgmental, but there's space for all of us to be who we are. There's space for us to celebrate each other and root for each other and not take each other down.
7.Practice Self-Acceptance
via People:
I feel strongest when I'm practicing self-acceptance. Allowing myself to be myself makes me feel really powerful...I think it requires a sense of community. You have to unplug from what our culture and our world tells us is strong, is pretty, is better. It opens up the door for some fun, because otherwise it all becomes so serious. Strong can be serious, but there's also some play in just allowing.
8.Eat Joyfully
No one is going to feel joy if they're always hungry. That's why it's great to have a diet that tastes as good as it makes you feel.
Tracee told People that she doesn't restrict her eating to "firm meal times," but at the same time she eats using the same philosophy that she lives: joyfully.
I have this philosophy on eating that it not only has to taste good in my mouth, but also feel good in my body...So, a lot of things that taste good in my mouth don't feel good in my body.
I'm pretty sure that Tracee was a spiritual leader in her former life, because she's always speaking the gospel truth!
Featured image by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Listen, when you live in Music City like I do, one way or another, you’re gonna find yourself involved in the music industry, even if it’s just by way of association. However, because I grew up in a music industry home and I got my start as an entertainment writer, the amount of stuff that I learned about artists — lawd.
Take a particular artist, who will remain nameless and who, to this day, is one of the most condescending and patronizing individuals I have ever met. One day, as someone who used to work with them was cosigning on that very point, they brought up an example that is perfect for the direction of today’s piece.
Them: “She was always trying to talk about how young people only have sex on their minds, and she would pray for their obsession with it. When we all told her to be quiet because she basically got married at 12, she shut up real quick.”
I bet she did. It’s real easy to “not understand” what you personally don’t have to deal with. Yeah, I wonder if she had waited until even 25 to get married if she would be preaching the same sermon about sexual sobriety. Ah, and sermon. Yeah, that’s a nice segue, too, because if there is another place that is notorious for being in the pulpit about sexual promiscuity while ironically encouraging singles to be consumed, if not obsessed, with finding a spouse, it’s the Church — well, many churches.
Where am I going with all of this? I ain’t got no lies for you. The Good Book says that the truth is what sets us free (John 8:31-32), and there’s no time like the present to tackle something that is quite relationally rampant and yet, interestingly enough, doesn’t get addressed nearly enough: emophilia.
Never Heard of Emophilia Before? Chile, I’m Not Surprised.
GiphyBack when I was in college, I went to school with someone who was always talking about getting married and who God told her was her husband. Looking back, it’s kind of comical (and sad…yes, both at the same time) to think about just how many men she claimed that was. It’s also kind of buck that, all these years later, she’s had multiple husbands (and yes, she put “God on them” every single time) while enjoying taking digs around the fact that, according to her, my body count is much higher than hers (I’m currently sitting at 14; I never asked what hers was).
Yep, even though it’s been years since I’ve “added a notch” and although she’s had three husbands while I’ve had none, she still thinks that my sexual partners are “worse” than her many husbands. Nevermind the fact that (since she’s bringing God all up in it) Malachi 2:16 says that God hates divorce and, well, I’ll let y’all read I Corinthians 7:10-11 (as far as remarriage goes) — I’ve been more promiscuous, and so she will always find that to be far worse.
Is it, though? Or do a lot of people just not know that, similar to how porn isn’t just about sex because it can also mean an excessive amount of something, promiscuous can also mean “consisting of a number of dissimilar parts or elements mingled in a confused or indiscriminate manner” — and that’s why emophilia is a thing. And just what does it mean exactly? EMOTIONAL PROMISCUITY.
To me, this isn’t anything new (although I used to use a different word for promiscuity here; that’s another message for another time). When you grow up in Church culture, if you’re truly paying attention, you notice that emotional promiscuity is a fever pitch in many congregations. It’s like folks want to get married so badly (or have been programmed to think that they should) that “this guy…no, this guy…oh, my bad, THIS GUY is my husband” — and you’re so used to hearing people say it that you kind of go numb (or at least, develop a deaf ear).
And when you sit and watch how a lot of prophesying (or is it prophe-lying?) plays out, folks approached marriage like their spouse was an ingredient or something — just add a man as you stir him into your fantasy of a long-term relationship — and so they weren’t really prepared for what marriage required. Why? Because they didn’t really love the person; it was more like they were in love with falling in love. And because of that, their marriage became hell, and as a result, they try to go all Flip Wilson (the real ones know) on it with some “the devil made me do it”…when it was more like one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Hell is truth seen too late.” (Thomas Hobbes)
Goodness. Just imagine how much drama and/or pain could’ve been spared if folks were introduced to emophilia — again, emotional promiscuity — as soon as they were taught sexual promiscuity, especially since, again, one definition of promiscuity is putting parts together without any type of order or in a way that causes nothing but chaos and confusion (and won’t that preach)?
Okay, so is emophilia the same thing as being a love addict? Great question. Actually, they’re very similar, although a love addict has a tendency to become very fixated on a person to the point where all of those songs about not being able to breathe or live with someone make all of the sense in the world in their eyes. Love addicts also are the type of people who feel like they don’t have much value unless they are in a relationship.
Emophilia comes from a different angle. These are people who, as one mental health expert put it, like the feeling of falling in love (more on that in a sec) and, because they enjoy the “hit” of it so much, 1) they can think that they met “the one” after just one date; and/or 2) they can easily find themselves feeling this way about multiple individuals, and/or 3) they tend to find themselves attracted to (or caught up in) the wrong types of folks: narcissists and highly-manipulative individuals definitely top the list.
Why? Well, for one thing, they move so fast that their discernment isn’t very keen, and two, they move so fast that they don’t make the time to step back, self-reflect, and heal before getting into a new situation with someone else. To them, they just chalk it all up to their pursuit of love and just move on to the next person — for as long as it takes. And honestly, that is pretty unhealthy. For a few reasons.
Starting with believing that “falling in love” is a responsible approach to love in the first place.
I’ll explain.
“Falling in Love” Isn’t Really a Thing, Though
GiphyI’ve shared in other articles that Albert Einstein once said, “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” For the record, I believe the full quote is, “Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do, but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.” What he’s pretty much saying here is you don’t “fall” in love; love is a choice. And I agree.
However, let’s roll this back a bit. To fall is to drop, usually involuntarily. And as much as our culture is totally irresponsible when it comes to the word “love” (for instance, I can’t stand the television show For My Man; they constantly abuse the word. Love doesn’t make us do crazy things. Love doesn’t provoke reckless and violent behavior. Love isn’t criminal. Humans can come up with some very toxic behaviors; it’s not in the name of true love, though), the reality is that love doesn’t happen involuntarily. When you’re speaking of the I Corinthians 13 biblical version of love (love is patient, love is kind, love puts others first, love endures), if you really believe that God is love (I John 4:8&16) and if you think that love is an action and not just a feeling (and it is) — then no, it doesn’t “just happen.” Love is a series of decisions — with words and actions that follow. So no, y’all, you cannot actually “fall in love.”
What you can do is fall into attraction; you can be attracted to someone involuntarily (unintentionally, unconsciously), and sometimes that feeling can be so euphoric that you might be tempted to use the word “love” to define it — yet c’mon: does it even make mature sense to say that you did something as grand and life-altering as LOVE SOMEONE without intention or conscious? To me, that sounds like something a child would say. Give yourself more credit. Give love more credit, too.
And that’s why this part of the article has the heading that it does. It doesn’t matter if a saying is popular (a lot of popular stuff is dead wrong); it matters if it’s correct, and “falling in love” simply isn’t. Do I believe that you can be in love? Yes. Even then, though, not by yourself (check out “Like, Love & In Love: How To Really Know The Difference”); the literal definition of “in” proves that (because in means “with”). Perhaps, if this was stated more, there would be less unhealthy relationships, less divorces, or more folks who took responsibility for who and how they loved instead of chalking it up to just being frivolous and emotional. You deserve better. LOVE DESERVES BETTER.
And that is a huge part of the reason why emophilia is hella problematic. It’s because everything that I just said, bucks it at every single turn. It wants people to think that you can just fall, over and over again, for the wrong people (for you), and you don’t need to take any type of personal accountability for it because…that’s just how love is — that’s just what being in love is like. Emophilia will have you out here being so emotionally promiscuous that you remain in the pattern of confusion by joining parts of yourself to pieces of others…when they simply don’t belong there.
And sadly, because emophilia is such a thing, it will encourage you to fix all of this by “falling in love,” yet again, when the actual thing that you should do is figure out how you became an emophiliac in the first place — so that you can stop “falling in love” and actually walk wisely and soberly into true love instead.
5 Ways to Break Free from Being an Emophiliac
GiphySo what if you saw yourself in at least a part of this and you’re ready to free your own self from emophilia. What should you do? For starters, here are five tips.
1. Take accountability for what got you here. If you are a fan of the “fall in love” phrase, it’s going to take a while to reprogram your mind from thinking that things “just happen” to you when it comes to relationships. So take a moment. Do some real soul-searching and journaling about why you like the concept of falling so much, if you’ve got a pattern that is counterproductive, and what you honestly think that needs to be done on your part. Oh, and if you know that you have an “unhealthy type” that you are drawn to, research their traits too.
2. Do some reading, researching, meditating, and praying about what love actually is. Real talk, this one is a lifelong journey. Just know that if folks even applied the I Corinthians 13 version alone, they would mature in love exponentially. When it comes to love, what I will say for now is love is something that betters your mind, body, and spirit and does not compromise in that way. If you are “loving someone” and you’re not getting these types of results or if your love isn’t making them better…it isn’t love. Attraction, maybe. Elation, perhaps. Love? Nah.
3. See a therapist (or relationship life coach). There are some clients I have who would probably admit that they are an emophiliac (or at least one in recovery) if you asked them. Most of them are single and some of them will randomly make an appointment with me just so that I can share with them what I see from the outside looking in. Listen, there is nothing wrong with seeing a professional if you’re trying to “unlearn to relearn” when it comes to all of this. I applaud it. More folks should.
4. Be abstinent for a while. You know the saying: If you want something different, you have to do things differently. For an emophiliac, all they know is going from person to person or relationship to relationship. You can’t really heal from this type of mindset unless you take some time away from what’s causing it in the first place. A season away from emotional promiscuity will help you to learn how to find other things that can make you feel good — other than a man, a relationship, or “falling in love.” That way, you can know when the love is real instead of the attraction being (potentially) deceptive.
5. CHOOSE. LOVE. I don’t care what this weird ass culture tries to cram down our throats: love doesn’t just happen to us; we choose it. Daily. Married people choose each other. Daily. If you’re dating someone, you are choosing them. Daily. This perspective is what brings integrity into love, longevity into love, and honor back to love.
That said, one thing that comes up when it comes to the topic of promiscuity is “casual” and love deserves so much more than words like “accidental,” “offhand” and “not premeditated.” If you’re going to really love someone, choose it; don’t be promiscuous about it. You deserve better. Love deserves better.
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For some of you, "emophilia" may be your something new for the day as far as the word. Yet, now that it’s been unpacked, if it’s something that you can relate to, more than just a lil’ bit, there’s no time like right at this very moment to stop being emotionally promiscuous…so that you can learn how to love the right way…the best way…the chosen way.
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