8 Things I Wish I Knew Before Moving Abroad
My life got way more interesting, but my taxes got way more complicated.
Ever studied for a test the night before but found relief that it wouldn’t weigh heavily on your final grade? Well, that’s how I felt with my first move overseas.
It was spontaneous.
It was impulsive.
It was the best decision I’ve ever made, but I wish I was more prepared for the emotional rollercoaster of being 8,000 miles away from everything and everyone I had ever known.
My first move abroad came in 2014 when I took a job in Dubai, UAE. I left all the comforts of home for a new city where I didn’t know a soul, working in a new industry, and living in a foreign land with different cultural, religious and social norms that I would have to learn and obey. After two years in Dubai, my next move brought me to Europe, where I chose to end the long distance and relocate to Switzerland to be with my boyfriend; swapping the sand for snow and prayer calls for cowbells. So, with my second international move, I’ve somewhat conquered the art of being the new kid in town.
Moving away from your home country is an eye-opening experience, but it’s not all bubbles and butterflies. This article may wash away some of that bright-eyed optimism, but I hope that it also leaves you with a more realistic blueprint of how your first few months abroad will go. So, take a few deep breaths, this will only hurt a little.
Here are some things I learned during the process that will help you if or when you decide to move across the pond:
How To Speak Another Language
Well… duh! Moving to a country where English isn’t the official language can be a challenge. I would highly recommend taking some classes to become familiar with your new home language before the jump. It will make your transition a LOT easier. From negotiating rental contracts to navigating your new home on public transit to ordering food, it helps to talk the talk.
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That Getting Residency And Visas Are NOT Easy And Vary Wildly
Depending on your home passport, the restrictions for working and living abroad can vary wildly. You can find the general visa requirements and processing times on the country's immigration site. U.S passport holders can apply for working holiday visas (from 3 months to a year) quite easily in the following countries: Singapore, New Zealand, Australia, South Korea, and Ireland. There are countries that also offer au pair visas. Visas can take days, weeks or even months, but don't be discouraged if you don't hear back for a bit longer than suggested. This also means you should wait until after your visa is approved before booking your flight, looking for a job, and searching for an apartment.
How Excited I'd Get To See Another Woman Of Color
Being an African American woman living abroad sometimes it can be so lonely. I never thought that just by seeing another black girl walking down the street, I’d want to run her down and beg her to be my friend. The struggle is real y’all. There’s just something comforting about having a comrade to vent to about natural hair struggles, lack of pigmented cosmetics or the nightmare of trying to make your soul food staples with subpar ingredients.
That Taxes Get Way More Complicated
All U.S. citizens are required to file annual taxes in the United States even if you're living and working abroad (in addition to your new country), so keep track of your earnings so you're ready to file. If you're leaving early in the year and don't have your W-2 or other tax forms yet, make sure you change your address to someone you trust to collect them for you, like your parents or best friend. There are exemptions you can make to if you live in a country other than the United States for at least 330 days out of a year, but be sure to read up on what applies to you on the IRS website.
How Hard It'd Be To Make IRL (In Real Life) Friends
As we matured, having a group of friends was relatively easy. Chances were that you never had to search for a buddy or two, as you hung out with people you went to school with, lived close by, or had the same interests. But when you move abroad, you must make friends all over again. And trust me, it’s much more awkward than those “will you be my friend?" notes you passed around in kindergarten. As an adult, it takes a conscious effort to meet people and establish close ties. Although social media can mitigate a bit of the awkwardness. Meeting with bloggers you find online, joining local groups, finding a language buddy, or joining expat groups is a great way to meet new people in real life.
That Maintaining Friendships Back Home Takes A Lot Of Effort
In the beginning, everyone will be excited about your new journey, wondering what you’re doing, what you’re eating, who you’re meeting. But the initial period of excitement over your new lifestyle will soon fade. The same things you once cared about aren’t so interesting now. It’s not a bad thing, change is inevitable. Your lives are on very different trajectories and it can be hard for some people to understand what they have never experienced. Ease into this new phase of your life by staying in touch with friends and loved ones back home by using social media, like Facebook, WhatsApp or Skype. Just make sure you have a schedule, a clear understanding of time zones, and a dash of humility.
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How Crossing The Street Would Require Unlearning And Relearning
Pedestrian laws were not all created equal. I never thought that in some countries, just crossing the street would be a #YOLO worthy experience. Observe the flow of traffic, notice whether the cars will stop for pedestrians entering the crosswalks or if you must play a complicated game of survival every time. Also, beware of bicyclists and mopeds that seem to act like cars and bicycles at the same time. I can’t tell you how many times I almost lost my life in Amsterdam trying to cross the road.
That FOMO Levels Are Nearly Inexistent
When I was in graduate school, my fear of missing out (FOMO) was at an all-time high. Having to miss out on homecoming, football tailgates, weddings, or music festivals to study for exams or to prep for a presentation would’ve had me like a cartoon character with steam coming out of my ears. Now, being halfway across the world, I could honestly care less about missing out. Living abroad has turned me into introvert and I don’t mind at all.
Although my experience has been amazing, moving abroad isn’t for everyone. I’ve seen many people who can’t handle the stress and strain of living abroad or don’t bother trying to assimilate the local customs. You have to be able to accept change, have an open mind, be willing to try new things and have a positive attitude.
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Do you want to live abroad? Do you already live abroad? What do you wish you knew then that you know now? Let us know in the comments below!
Related Post:I Dropped Everything to Travel After A Breakup ...And Ended Up Finding Love Again
Coco Hunter is a travel & lifestyle blogger, who has travelled to 30+ countries. She chronicles her global adventures at CocoGoneGlobal.com. Originally from Oakland, CA, she has lived in Atlanta, Dubai, and now resides in Zurich, Switzerland. You can follow her writing, musings and wacky adventures on Instagram @cocogoneglobal and Twitter @CocoGoneGlobal.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images