The Reality Of Dating As A Jetsetter
I'm a travel lover. There's something about hopping on a plane carrying me to a new destination that brings about feelings of excitement and accomplishment. Thankfully, I've been blessed with many opportunities to jet set around the world before the age of 26, and though my passport isn't overflowing with stamps, there's just enough proof of the lasting memories that I created around the world. I can't deny that I've been to some amazing places that have opened my eyes and mind to different cultures and customs, while sparking my own creativity and desire to live a fulfilling life.
But what I don't like about travel is the many misconceptions that come from being a woman of the world. I've been in situations where a former partner didn't want to travel with me because they assumed that since I've “been everywhere" (as if there aren't over 200 countries to explore!) that there's nothing left for us to experience together for the first time, despite the fact that most of my travels happened before I was even legal. In my mind, traveling in my teens where I was chaperoned or a victim to curfews is a completely different experience than voyaging in my 20s when I'm young, semi-wild and free.
It got to the point that I started to question myself for being given the opportunity to travel at such a young age. I didn't grow up with a silver spoon, I just had a family who saw the importance of me experiencing other cultures and seeing the world outside of my North Carolina home. They instilled in me a love for travel and because of that I find myself often seeking new experiences, but what they didn't tell me was that one day I would potentially pay the price when it came to my love life.
I'm not the only one who's fought the relationship battle that comes from being a person on the go. Many avid travelers find it hard to sustain relationships while jet-setting around the globe, but just as many have found a way to solve being single without sacrificing their desire for foraging new lands.
We chatted with a few travel junkies on the impact that traveling has had on their dating life, the misconceptions of being an avid traveler, and how they keep the flames lit even when they're thousands of miles away.
Meet The Travelers:
How Travel Has Impacted Their Dating Life
Evita: Dating was very difficult for a number of years. It took diligence and many of my relationships were long distance. I found myself feeling torn between where I was, and back home where my boyfriend was. It was tough. The biggest lesson I learned was that you have to make sure your relationship can work while you are abroad, not because you are abroad.
Gloria: While traveling has definitely introduced me to other beautiful and diverse ethnicities around the world, there simply is no immunity when it comes to the awkward status quo that the dating culture has become in 2017 for a millennial. I will say, however, that it's been a nice change of pace being courted in Europe, something that isn't as widespread in America, and simply experiencing different ways other cultures show and profess their love for a woman.
Erick: It really depends on what assignments I'm working on an in what part of the world. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it restricts. For example, if I'm doing a long-term gig like learning Tango in Buenos Aires for six weeks, it's great. But if I'm working for Eurail exploring Europe by train it's tough as I'm constantly moving every few days. All depends on whom I'm seeing at the time to be honest. But long lasting romantic relationships, nope.
Rachel: I try not to subscribe to the whole dating for black women is hard phenomenon. I dated when I was living in New York, but I think while I was doing constant and consistent travel I wasn't dating as much, and that's obviously because I wasn't home enough to date someone consistently. A guy that I was dating this summer was like, 'you're going to have to go to some of these places over again' and I was like I'm okay with going there again. It's not like I won't say I've already been there I'm not going because it's a whole different experience when you're going with someone else, and I feel like at this point I'm ready to experience a lot of my travels with a companion.
Oneika: The tendency is to think that travelling and living abroad have a negative impact on one's dating life (due to moving around so much), but in actuality my lifestyle has actually enriched it! I feel as though my dating pool widened as soon as I left my home country-- I've come across men from all walks of life in my travels. I've been blessed to meet really fun, adventurous, globally-minded guys on the road.
If Men (Or Women) Are Intimidated By Their Number Of Passport Stamps
Evita: At this point, no because since starting Nomadness Travel Tribe, my network has truly changed. I have world travelers all around me. I think my business acumen and worldwide reach intimidates them more than my actual stamps do at this point.
Gloria: I wish I could say that my passport stamp count is a turn on for men (hahahaha, stop reading mom), but in actuality, it only seems to intimidate and complicate who I am as a person. Men feel they can't amount to what I've done or where I've been, so they either put on this obnoxious front like they're worldly and well-versed in politics, or they just don't even bother. Not to mention, a man would have to be in a position to deal with long-distance dating, or be able to have a lifestyle that allows him to work on the road like I do. That in itself can be a challenge, so for me at least, it's easier to stay emotionally unavailable and focused on growing my brand.
Erick: Not really. I think women that travel are more intimidated/impressed. Women I meet who don't travel fall into two camps in regards to my travels. Over the top impressed or couldn't care less. Since I've been to 88 countries I get the "You probably have a woman in every city" comments a lot.
Rachel: I have encountered some guys who do get intimidated and obviously they don't want to admit to me that they're intimidated. I've heard people say things like, it's hard to catch a moving target and I'm like, but you're not even trying to catch me what are you talking about? You have to kind of date with the intention to say what you're interested in and I think a lot of times people base off of social media perceive what they want and I know for me on my social media on my IG you will mostly see my travels, things related to travel quotes, so you don't see my day to day life, and I do that very specifically because it's a brand, and so I think a lot of times people see that and they're like you're always gone you're always traveling and that's not true, and if I do travel it's at the very most a week or a week and a half out of the month.
Oneika: Not at all! Because the men I meet abroad tend to be travellers themselves, we are pretty much on an equal playing field in terms of our passion for travel and discovery. So instead of comparing the amount of stamps we have, we often trade the intangibles-- travel stories and life experiences. I think that a man who's confident and secure in himself will be interested, not intimidated, by his woman's international exploits, even if he isn't particularly well-travelled.
Rachel at the Shwedagon Pagoda in Myanmar
Misconceptions About A Woman Who Travels
Evita: That we have men all over the world or that we are running from something that keeps us from settling down. I respond by telling them that neither of those are travel gender specific, and they could be talking about anyone, including themselves.
Gloria: When someone, a man specifically, learns I'm traveling on my own, it's usually met with, "Well, aren't you scared?" or "Wait... all by yourself???" as if I'm a toddler, freshly potty-trained, able to wipe my own @$s and this discovery just can't simply be possible. It's usually met with a sarcastic response about how I had to ask permission from an imaginary boyfriend, ha, but in all honesty, a lot of them come away impressed, and I hope I can help continuing to change the perception of what women should and shouldn't be doing alone.
Oneika: I've heard men say that women who travel a lot won't make good wives or life partners because they are constantly "running away." I've also heard men say that women who travel solo put themselves at risk; the assumption is that women are inherently too weak and fragile to travel on their own and thus need a man to protect them. I think these sorts of assertions are preposterous and based on ignorance and misinformation. So my initial response is to provide examples of wanderlusting women who travel safely on their own and still manage to balance travel with a healthy relationship.
Whether Or Not Being An Avid Traveler Determines Who They Date
Evita: I was (newly in a relationship) open to dating men from all backgrounds. Them being a traveler wasn't a deal breaker, but they had to at least respect what I do. I'm so entrenched in building Nomadness, and that has an international scope. It's to the point that if you didn't want to engage in travel at all, you'd be missing out on a huge part of who I am as a person. I feel in that case the relationship would never work out.
Gloria: At one point, I had to take a step back and wonder if I've set my standards too high (Spoiler Alert: ladies, the answer is usually NO), but all I really want in a man is someone who's driven, compassionate, and a man of God. While traveling for a living accounts for an extremely small percentage of men in the work field, I'd be fishing for pixie dust only limiting my options to men in the same field as me. So ultimately, someone who not only understands my lifestyle, but is open to finding ways to also work remotely based on his own skill sets, would be my ideal kind of guy. Once you've found what it is that makes you happy in life, and you realize that it's not a person or dollar amount that's attached to it, you almost prefer rolling solo, because it's less complicated. But I'm willing to complicate my life for the right person. I'm just in no rush ;)
Erick: Not at all. The women I date tend to look the same and have a certain personality type. It's not a "requirement" they travel or like to travel. But it sure helps. The thing for me is I'm not very good at negotiating in a relationship. I just don't have time for it in the lifestyle I lead. If someone told me they wanted me to stop traveling, the relationship would largely end right there simply because she doesn't understand me at all. For some, travel is a hobby. For me, it's life. It's everything. Like painting to a painter or dancing to a dancer. Someone I date has to understand that. Heck someone I'm friends with has to understand that.
Rachel: I'm open to dating people whom I share a lot of interests with. Travel does have to be a factor and I realize that I travel a lot more than the average person in general, so I cant' really date like who I'm interested in dating based off of the amount that I travel. People base it off of I haven't traveled this many places maybe this won't work and that's not true. But I definitely say that they would have to be open to traveling and new experiences. I'm open to dating people who are open to the thought of traveling. But if they aren't open and are like Rachel you travel and I'm going to stay home, then I'm definitely not interested in you just because travel is a part of my life and my brand and business so you have to share that passion with me because it's not going to go away.
Oneika: I am interested in men who are curious and adventurous, full stop. You don't have to have a passport or travel internationally to be those things. That said, a man who is supportive of my passion for travel is a must. I have to be able to do me; I have to be able to live the life I want and do the things that I enjoy. Travel is a huge part of my life, so a guy who doesn't accept that is a guy I can't be with.
How To Keep A Relationship Going From Thousands Of Miles Away
Evita: Super open communication, even when it sucks. Skype and phone sex. Creating a light at the end of the tunnel, in the form of a date when the long distance will stop. Undivided attention when you are together.
Gloria: With any healthy relationship, compromise needs to be at the core. There needs to be a little give and take from both sides, and while one party might have to travel for work, I think it's also important they take a few weeks or a month off to just spend in one place with the person they love. Start new traditions every time you see each other or any country you visit together. It'll make the time you spend apart, that much more bearable.
Erick: Yikes. My exes are going to laugh you even asked me this question. lol. I think it's important that both parties are open to compromise. My biggest character flaw is selfishness when it comes to my travels. I prefer to travel alone and hate when someone interferes with my plans. Also, make sure you don't waste time fighting when you are together. Since your time is so limited together don't waste it. Cut out all other distractions and focus on each other.
Rachel: Record a video on Snapchat or a personal video like this is what I'm looking at, this is what I'm seeing, and here's some photos, face-timing and stuff like that, I think that's very helpful. Especially when you're away because it makes them feel like they're seeing what you're seeing and experiencing some of the things you're experiencing. And I think time apart allows you to miss somebody. Or bringing back souvenirs, I don't buy a lot but if I see something that I know someone would really like it let's them know I thought of them and I'll get that. It lets them know that you listen to what they're saying or they know you know they like something outside of a shot glass and a keychain. That has been really helpful for me. Them knowing upfront that this is what I do and this is my life.
Oneika: Communication is key. Establish expectations and routines for how and when you'll stay in contact with your partner when you're away. Will you Skype every two days? Whatsapp in the evenings when you get back to the hotel after a day of sightseeing? Chat on the phone every morning when you get up? These are things that should be addressed before you jet off. Spend quality time together when you're in the same place. It's hard being the one who gets "left behind". Separation can put a real strain on a relationship, especially when one person is living it up in a new place and the other is doing the same old thing back home. Plan a date night, spa day, or picnic in the park so you can reconnect once you're back in the same area code.
Evita and the Nomadness Tribe in Zanzibar
Why You Should Date A Person Who Travels
Evita: She will be one of the most flexible people you will come in contact with. She'll know how to take things in stride, have better compromising skills than most, and probably be more empathetic to the world than someone who has never left their neighborhood.
Gloria: We'd be cheaper dates, because we'd value experiences over material things, we'd have a home, but it's more of a feeling than a place, meaning we don't always need to fly thousands of miles home to celebrate every major holiday, and she wouldn't succumb to societal pressures, because society is often the last thing she'll turn to when making pivotal decisions in life.
Erick: People should definitely date those that travel. Travelers tend to be resourceful, compassionate, sociable, and energetic. Also ridiculously positive. Some of the coolest women I've met have been travelers and could see myself actually making something work long term if I was in a different place in my life. It's all about expectations. Don't date a traveler and expect them to "eventually" stop traveling or change. It's unlikely to happen and if it does I assure you it's probably not by choice, which may lead to other issues.
Rachel: She's not as complicated as you would think. I've seen how people live and are so happy on a lot less than what we have, so it made things a lot more simple for me. I think about a lot of things before I even make big purchases. It doesn't take a lot to make me happy now. So I say date a girl who travels because it doesn't take a lot to make her really happy. I'm okay with doing simple things and I think just because I live a life of adventure so I don't necessarily have to be always doing something super crazy when we're dating. She's open to new adventures, a great communicator and very nurturing.
Oneika: She'll never bore you. Women who travel are adventurous, risk-takers, and unafraid to try new things! She's easygoing and highly adaptable. Women who travel are pros at thinking on their feet, being flexible, and accepting that things won't always go as planned. She's well-versed in diplomacy, culture, and human behavior. Women who travel are used to coming across people from all walks of life. They also have a deep appreciation for history, are tolerant, and have a high level of cultural fluency.
Follow our travel bloggers: Evita (The Nomadness Tribe), Gloria (The Blog Abroad), Erick (Minority Nomad), Rachel (Rachel Travels), Oneika (Oneika the Traveller).
Featured image by Shutterstock
- The Reality Of Dating As A Jetsetter - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- Dating Abroad Tips Black Women Expats - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
____
Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images