The Reality Of Dating As A Jetsetter
I'm a travel lover. There's something about hopping on a plane carrying me to a new destination that brings about feelings of excitement and accomplishment. Thankfully, I've been blessed with many opportunities to jet set around the world before the age of 26, and though my passport isn't overflowing with stamps, there's just enough proof of the lasting memories that I created around the world. I can't deny that I've been to some amazing places that have opened my eyes and mind to different cultures and customs, while sparking my own creativity and desire to live a fulfilling life.
But what I don't like about travel is the many misconceptions that come from being a woman of the world. I've been in situations where a former partner didn't want to travel with me because they assumed that since I've “been everywhere" (as if there aren't over 200 countries to explore!) that there's nothing left for us to experience together for the first time, despite the fact that most of my travels happened before I was even legal. In my mind, traveling in my teens where I was chaperoned or a victim to curfews is a completely different experience than voyaging in my 20s when I'm young, semi-wild and free.
It got to the point that I started to question myself for being given the opportunity to travel at such a young age. I didn't grow up with a silver spoon, I just had a family who saw the importance of me experiencing other cultures and seeing the world outside of my North Carolina home. They instilled in me a love for travel and because of that I find myself often seeking new experiences, but what they didn't tell me was that one day I would potentially pay the price when it came to my love life.
I'm not the only one who's fought the relationship battle that comes from being a person on the go. Many avid travelers find it hard to sustain relationships while jet-setting around the globe, but just as many have found a way to solve being single without sacrificing their desire for foraging new lands.
We chatted with a few travel junkies on the impact that traveling has had on their dating life, the misconceptions of being an avid traveler, and how they keep the flames lit even when they're thousands of miles away.
Meet The Travelers:
How Travel Has Impacted Their Dating Life
Evita: Dating was very difficult for a number of years. It took diligence and many of my relationships were long distance. I found myself feeling torn between where I was, and back home where my boyfriend was. It was tough. The biggest lesson I learned was that you have to make sure your relationship can work while you are abroad, not because you are abroad.
Gloria: While traveling has definitely introduced me to other beautiful and diverse ethnicities around the world, there simply is no immunity when it comes to the awkward status quo that the dating culture has become in 2017 for a millennial. I will say, however, that it's been a nice change of pace being courted in Europe, something that isn't as widespread in America, and simply experiencing different ways other cultures show and profess their love for a woman.
Erick: It really depends on what assignments I'm working on an in what part of the world. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it restricts. For example, if I'm doing a long-term gig like learning Tango in Buenos Aires for six weeks, it's great. But if I'm working for Eurail exploring Europe by train it's tough as I'm constantly moving every few days. All depends on whom I'm seeing at the time to be honest. But long lasting romantic relationships, nope.
Rachel: I try not to subscribe to the whole dating for black women is hard phenomenon. I dated when I was living in New York, but I think while I was doing constant and consistent travel I wasn't dating as much, and that's obviously because I wasn't home enough to date someone consistently. A guy that I was dating this summer was like, 'you're going to have to go to some of these places over again' and I was like I'm okay with going there again. It's not like I won't say I've already been there I'm not going because it's a whole different experience when you're going with someone else, and I feel like at this point I'm ready to experience a lot of my travels with a companion.
Oneika: The tendency is to think that travelling and living abroad have a negative impact on one's dating life (due to moving around so much), but in actuality my lifestyle has actually enriched it! I feel as though my dating pool widened as soon as I left my home country-- I've come across men from all walks of life in my travels. I've been blessed to meet really fun, adventurous, globally-minded guys on the road.
If Men (Or Women) Are Intimidated By Their Number Of Passport Stamps
Evita: At this point, no because since starting Nomadness Travel Tribe, my network has truly changed. I have world travelers all around me. I think my business acumen and worldwide reach intimidates them more than my actual stamps do at this point.
Gloria: I wish I could say that my passport stamp count is a turn on for men (hahahaha, stop reading mom), but in actuality, it only seems to intimidate and complicate who I am as a person. Men feel they can't amount to what I've done or where I've been, so they either put on this obnoxious front like they're worldly and well-versed in politics, or they just don't even bother. Not to mention, a man would have to be in a position to deal with long-distance dating, or be able to have a lifestyle that allows him to work on the road like I do. That in itself can be a challenge, so for me at least, it's easier to stay emotionally unavailable and focused on growing my brand.
Erick: Not really. I think women that travel are more intimidated/impressed. Women I meet who don't travel fall into two camps in regards to my travels. Over the top impressed or couldn't care less. Since I've been to 88 countries I get the "You probably have a woman in every city" comments a lot.
Rachel: I have encountered some guys who do get intimidated and obviously they don't want to admit to me that they're intimidated. I've heard people say things like, it's hard to catch a moving target and I'm like, but you're not even trying to catch me what are you talking about? You have to kind of date with the intention to say what you're interested in and I think a lot of times people base off of social media perceive what they want and I know for me on my social media on my IG you will mostly see my travels, things related to travel quotes, so you don't see my day to day life, and I do that very specifically because it's a brand, and so I think a lot of times people see that and they're like you're always gone you're always traveling and that's not true, and if I do travel it's at the very most a week or a week and a half out of the month.
Oneika: Not at all! Because the men I meet abroad tend to be travellers themselves, we are pretty much on an equal playing field in terms of our passion for travel and discovery. So instead of comparing the amount of stamps we have, we often trade the intangibles-- travel stories and life experiences. I think that a man who's confident and secure in himself will be interested, not intimidated, by his woman's international exploits, even if he isn't particularly well-travelled.
Rachel at the Shwedagon Pagoda in Myanmar
Misconceptions About A Woman Who Travels
Evita: That we have men all over the world or that we are running from something that keeps us from settling down. I respond by telling them that neither of those are travel gender specific, and they could be talking about anyone, including themselves.
Gloria: When someone, a man specifically, learns I'm traveling on my own, it's usually met with, "Well, aren't you scared?" or "Wait... all by yourself???" as if I'm a toddler, freshly potty-trained, able to wipe my own @$s and this discovery just can't simply be possible. It's usually met with a sarcastic response about how I had to ask permission from an imaginary boyfriend, ha, but in all honesty, a lot of them come away impressed, and I hope I can help continuing to change the perception of what women should and shouldn't be doing alone.
Oneika: I've heard men say that women who travel a lot won't make good wives or life partners because they are constantly "running away." I've also heard men say that women who travel solo put themselves at risk; the assumption is that women are inherently too weak and fragile to travel on their own and thus need a man to protect them. I think these sorts of assertions are preposterous and based on ignorance and misinformation. So my initial response is to provide examples of wanderlusting women who travel safely on their own and still manage to balance travel with a healthy relationship.
Whether Or Not Being An Avid Traveler Determines Who They Date
Evita: I was (newly in a relationship) open to dating men from all backgrounds. Them being a traveler wasn't a deal breaker, but they had to at least respect what I do. I'm so entrenched in building Nomadness, and that has an international scope. It's to the point that if you didn't want to engage in travel at all, you'd be missing out on a huge part of who I am as a person. I feel in that case the relationship would never work out.
Gloria: At one point, I had to take a step back and wonder if I've set my standards too high (Spoiler Alert: ladies, the answer is usually NO), but all I really want in a man is someone who's driven, compassionate, and a man of God. While traveling for a living accounts for an extremely small percentage of men in the work field, I'd be fishing for pixie dust only limiting my options to men in the same field as me. So ultimately, someone who not only understands my lifestyle, but is open to finding ways to also work remotely based on his own skill sets, would be my ideal kind of guy. Once you've found what it is that makes you happy in life, and you realize that it's not a person or dollar amount that's attached to it, you almost prefer rolling solo, because it's less complicated. But I'm willing to complicate my life for the right person. I'm just in no rush ;)
Erick: Not at all. The women I date tend to look the same and have a certain personality type. It's not a "requirement" they travel or like to travel. But it sure helps. The thing for me is I'm not very good at negotiating in a relationship. I just don't have time for it in the lifestyle I lead. If someone told me they wanted me to stop traveling, the relationship would largely end right there simply because she doesn't understand me at all. For some, travel is a hobby. For me, it's life. It's everything. Like painting to a painter or dancing to a dancer. Someone I date has to understand that. Heck someone I'm friends with has to understand that.
Rachel: I'm open to dating people whom I share a lot of interests with. Travel does have to be a factor and I realize that I travel a lot more than the average person in general, so I cant' really date like who I'm interested in dating based off of the amount that I travel. People base it off of I haven't traveled this many places maybe this won't work and that's not true. But I definitely say that they would have to be open to traveling and new experiences. I'm open to dating people who are open to the thought of traveling. But if they aren't open and are like Rachel you travel and I'm going to stay home, then I'm definitely not interested in you just because travel is a part of my life and my brand and business so you have to share that passion with me because it's not going to go away.
Oneika: I am interested in men who are curious and adventurous, full stop. You don't have to have a passport or travel internationally to be those things. That said, a man who is supportive of my passion for travel is a must. I have to be able to do me; I have to be able to live the life I want and do the things that I enjoy. Travel is a huge part of my life, so a guy who doesn't accept that is a guy I can't be with.
How To Keep A Relationship Going From Thousands Of Miles Away
Evita: Super open communication, even when it sucks. Skype and phone sex. Creating a light at the end of the tunnel, in the form of a date when the long distance will stop. Undivided attention when you are together.
Gloria: With any healthy relationship, compromise needs to be at the core. There needs to be a little give and take from both sides, and while one party might have to travel for work, I think it's also important they take a few weeks or a month off to just spend in one place with the person they love. Start new traditions every time you see each other or any country you visit together. It'll make the time you spend apart, that much more bearable.
Erick: Yikes. My exes are going to laugh you even asked me this question. lol. I think it's important that both parties are open to compromise. My biggest character flaw is selfishness when it comes to my travels. I prefer to travel alone and hate when someone interferes with my plans. Also, make sure you don't waste time fighting when you are together. Since your time is so limited together don't waste it. Cut out all other distractions and focus on each other.
Rachel: Record a video on Snapchat or a personal video like this is what I'm looking at, this is what I'm seeing, and here's some photos, face-timing and stuff like that, I think that's very helpful. Especially when you're away because it makes them feel like they're seeing what you're seeing and experiencing some of the things you're experiencing. And I think time apart allows you to miss somebody. Or bringing back souvenirs, I don't buy a lot but if I see something that I know someone would really like it let's them know I thought of them and I'll get that. It lets them know that you listen to what they're saying or they know you know they like something outside of a shot glass and a keychain. That has been really helpful for me. Them knowing upfront that this is what I do and this is my life.
Oneika: Communication is key. Establish expectations and routines for how and when you'll stay in contact with your partner when you're away. Will you Skype every two days? Whatsapp in the evenings when you get back to the hotel after a day of sightseeing? Chat on the phone every morning when you get up? These are things that should be addressed before you jet off. Spend quality time together when you're in the same place. It's hard being the one who gets "left behind". Separation can put a real strain on a relationship, especially when one person is living it up in a new place and the other is doing the same old thing back home. Plan a date night, spa day, or picnic in the park so you can reconnect once you're back in the same area code.
Evita and the Nomadness Tribe in Zanzibar
Why You Should Date A Person Who Travels
Evita: She will be one of the most flexible people you will come in contact with. She'll know how to take things in stride, have better compromising skills than most, and probably be more empathetic to the world than someone who has never left their neighborhood.
Gloria: We'd be cheaper dates, because we'd value experiences over material things, we'd have a home, but it's more of a feeling than a place, meaning we don't always need to fly thousands of miles home to celebrate every major holiday, and she wouldn't succumb to societal pressures, because society is often the last thing she'll turn to when making pivotal decisions in life.
Erick: People should definitely date those that travel. Travelers tend to be resourceful, compassionate, sociable, and energetic. Also ridiculously positive. Some of the coolest women I've met have been travelers and could see myself actually making something work long term if I was in a different place in my life. It's all about expectations. Don't date a traveler and expect them to "eventually" stop traveling or change. It's unlikely to happen and if it does I assure you it's probably not by choice, which may lead to other issues.
Rachel: She's not as complicated as you would think. I've seen how people live and are so happy on a lot less than what we have, so it made things a lot more simple for me. I think about a lot of things before I even make big purchases. It doesn't take a lot to make me happy now. So I say date a girl who travels because it doesn't take a lot to make her really happy. I'm okay with doing simple things and I think just because I live a life of adventure so I don't necessarily have to be always doing something super crazy when we're dating. She's open to new adventures, a great communicator and very nurturing.
Oneika: She'll never bore you. Women who travel are adventurous, risk-takers, and unafraid to try new things! She's easygoing and highly adaptable. Women who travel are pros at thinking on their feet, being flexible, and accepting that things won't always go as planned. She's well-versed in diplomacy, culture, and human behavior. Women who travel are used to coming across people from all walks of life. They also have a deep appreciation for history, are tolerant, and have a high level of cultural fluency.
Follow our travel bloggers: Evita (The Nomadness Tribe), Gloria (The Blog Abroad), Erick (Minority Nomad), Rachel (Rachel Travels), Oneika (Oneika the Traveller).
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images