I'm a travel lover. There's something about hopping on a plane carrying me to a new destination that brings about feelings of excitement and accomplishment. Thankfully, I've been blessed with many opportunities to jet set around the world before the age of 26, and though my passport isn't overflowing with stamps, there's just enough proof of the lasting memories that I created around the world. I can't deny that I've been to some amazing places that have opened my eyes and mind to different cultures and customs, while sparking my own creativity and desire to live a fulfilling life.
But what I don't like about travel is the many misconceptions that come from being a woman of the world. I've been in situations where a former partner didn't want to travel with me because they assumed that since I've “been everywhere" (as if there aren't over 200 countries to explore!) that there's nothing left for us to experience together for the first time, despite the fact that most of my travels happened before I was even legal. In my mind, traveling in my teens where I was chaperoned or a victim to curfews is a completely different experience than voyaging in my 20s when I'm young, semi-wild and free.
It got to the point that I started to question myself for being given the opportunity to travel at such a young age. I didn't grow up with a silver spoon, I just had a family who saw the importance of me experiencing other cultures and seeing the world outside of my North Carolina home. They instilled in me a love for travel and because of that I find myself often seeking new experiences, but what they didn't tell me was that one day I would potentially pay the price when it came to my love life.
I'm not the only one who's fought the relationship battle that comes from being a person on the go. Many avid travelers find it hard to sustain relationships while jet-setting around the globe, but just as many have found a way to solve being single without sacrificing their desire for foraging new lands.
We chatted with a few travel junkies on the impact that traveling has had on their dating life, the misconceptions of being an avid traveler, and how they keep the flames lit even when they're thousands of miles away.
Meet The Travelers:
How Travel Has Impacted Their Dating Life
Evita: Dating was very difficult for a number of years. It took diligence and many of my relationships were long distance. I found myself feeling torn between where I was, and back home where my boyfriend was. It was tough. The biggest lesson I learned was that you have to make sure your relationship can work while you are abroad, not because you are abroad.
Gloria: While traveling has definitely introduced me to other beautiful and diverse ethnicities around the world, there simply is no immunity when it comes to the awkward status quo that the dating culture has become in 2017 for a millennial. I will say, however, that it's been a nice change of pace being courted in Europe, something that isn't as widespread in America, and simply experiencing different ways other cultures show and profess their love for a woman.
Erick: It really depends on what assignments I'm working on an in what part of the world. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it restricts. For example, if I'm doing a long-term gig like learning Tango in Buenos Aires for six weeks, it's great. But if I'm working for Eurail exploring Europe by train it's tough as I'm constantly moving every few days. All depends on whom I'm seeing at the time to be honest. But long lasting romantic relationships, nope.
Rachel: I try not to subscribe to the whole dating for black women is hard phenomenon. I dated when I was living in New York, but I think while I was doing constant and consistent travel I wasn't dating as much, and that's obviously because I wasn't home enough to date someone consistently. A guy that I was dating this summer was like, 'you're going to have to go to some of these places over again' and I was like I'm okay with going there again. It's not like I won't say I've already been there I'm not going because it's a whole different experience when you're going with someone else, and I feel like at this point I'm ready to experience a lot of my travels with a companion.
Oneika: The tendency is to think that travelling and living abroad have a negative impact on one's dating life (due to moving around so much), but in actuality my lifestyle has actually enriched it! I feel as though my dating pool widened as soon as I left my home country-- I've come across men from all walks of life in my travels. I've been blessed to meet really fun, adventurous, globally-minded guys on the road.
Oneika in Hallstatt, Austria
If Men (Or Women) Are Intimidated By Their Number Of Passport Stamps
Evita: At this point, no because since starting Nomadness Travel Tribe, my network has truly changed. I have world travelers all around me. I think my business acumen and worldwide reach intimidates them more than my actual stamps do at this point.
Gloria: I wish I could say that my passport stamp count is a turn on for men (hahahaha, stop reading mom), but in actuality, it only seems to intimidate and complicate who I am as a person. Men feel they can't amount to what I've done or where I've been, so they either put on this obnoxious front like they're worldly and well-versed in politics, or they just don't even bother. Not to mention, a man would have to be in a position to deal with long-distance dating, or be able to have a lifestyle that allows him to work on the road like I do. That in itself can be a challenge, so for me at least, it's easier to stay emotionally unavailable and focused on growing my brand.
Erick: Not really. I think women that travel are more intimidated/impressed. Women I meet who don't travel fall into two camps in regards to my travels. Over the top impressed or couldn't care less. Since I've been to 88 countries I get the "You probably have a woman in every city" comments a lot.
Rachel: I have encountered some guys who do get intimidated and obviously they don't want to admit to me that they're intimidated. I've heard people say things like, it's hard to catch a moving target and I'm like, but you're not even trying to catch me what are you talking about? You have to kind of date with the intention to say what you're interested in and I think a lot of times people base off of social media perceive what they want and I know for me on my social media on my IG you will mostly see my travels, things related to travel quotes, so you don't see my day to day life, and I do that very specifically because it's a brand, and so I think a lot of times people see that and they're like you're always gone you're always traveling and that's not true, and if I do travel it's at the very most a week or a week and a half out of the month.
Oneika: Not at all! Because the men I meet abroad tend to be travellers themselves, we are pretty much on an equal playing field in terms of our passion for travel and discovery. So instead of comparing the amount of stamps we have, we often trade the intangibles-- travel stories and life experiences. I think that a man who's confident and secure in himself will be interested, not intimidated, by his woman's international exploits, even if he isn't particularly well-travelled.
Rachel at the Shwedagon Pagoda in Myanmar
Misconceptions About A Woman Who Travels
Evita: That we have men all over the world or that we are running from something that keeps us from settling down. I respond by telling them that neither of those are travel gender specific, and they could be talking about anyone, including themselves.
Gloria: When someone, a man specifically, learns I'm traveling on my own, it's usually met with, "Well, aren't you scared?" or "Wait... all by yourself???" as if I'm a toddler, freshly potty-trained, able to wipe my own @$s and this discovery just can't simply be possible. It's usually met with a sarcastic response about how I had to ask permission from an imaginary boyfriend, ha, but in all honesty, a lot of them come away impressed, and I hope I can help continuing to change the perception of what women should and shouldn't be doing alone.
Oneika: I've heard men say that women who travel a lot won't make good wives or life partners because they are constantly "running away." I've also heard men say that women who travel solo put themselves at risk; the assumption is that women are inherently too weak and fragile to travel on their own and thus need a man to protect them. I think these sorts of assertions are preposterous and based on ignorance and misinformation. So my initial response is to provide examples of wanderlusting women who travel safely on their own and still manage to balance travel with a healthy relationship.
Erick in Vatican City
Whether Or Not Being An Avid Traveler Determines Who They Date
Evita: I was (newly in a relationship) open to dating men from all backgrounds. Them being a traveler wasn't a deal breaker, but they had to at least respect what I do. I'm so entrenched in building Nomadness, and that has an international scope. It's to the point that if you didn't want to engage in travel at all, you'd be missing out on a huge part of who I am as a person. I feel in that case the relationship would never work out.
Gloria: At one point, I had to take a step back and wonder if I've set my standards too high (Spoiler Alert: ladies, the answer is usually NO), but all I really want in a man is someone who's driven, compassionate, and a man of God. While traveling for a living accounts for an extremely small percentage of men in the work field, I'd be fishing for pixie dust only limiting my options to men in the same field as me. So ultimately, someone who not only understands my lifestyle, but is open to finding ways to also work remotely based on his own skill sets, would be my ideal kind of guy. Once you've found what it is that makes you happy in life, and you realize that it's not a person or dollar amount that's attached to it, you almost prefer rolling solo, because it's less complicated. But I'm willing to complicate my life for the right person. I'm just in no rush ;)
Erick: Not at all. The women I date tend to look the same and have a certain personality type. It's not a "requirement" they travel or like to travel. But it sure helps. The thing for me is I'm not very good at negotiating in a relationship. I just don't have time for it in the lifestyle I lead. If someone told me they wanted me to stop traveling, the relationship would largely end right there simply because she doesn't understand me at all. For some, travel is a hobby. For me, it's life. It's everything. Like painting to a painter or dancing to a dancer. Someone I date has to understand that. Heck someone I'm friends with has to understand that.
Rachel: I'm open to dating people whom I share a lot of interests with. Travel does have to be a factor and I realize that I travel a lot more than the average person in general, so I cant' really date like who I'm interested in dating based off of the amount that I travel. People base it off of I haven't traveled this many places maybe this won't work and that's not true. But I definitely say that they would have to be open to traveling and new experiences. I'm open to dating people who are open to the thought of traveling. But if they aren't open and are like Rachel you travel and I'm going to stay home, then I'm definitely not interested in you just because travel is a part of my life and my brand and business so you have to share that passion with me because it's not going to go away.
Oneika: I am interested in men who are curious and adventurous, full stop. You don't have to have a passport or travel internationally to be those things. That said, a man who is supportive of my passion for travel is a must. I have to be able to do me; I have to be able to live the life I want and do the things that I enjoy. Travel is a huge part of my life, so a guy who doesn't accept that is a guy I can't be with.
Gloria in Paris, France
How To Keep A Relationship Going From Thousands Of Miles Away
Evita: Super open communication, even when it sucks. Skype and phone sex. Creating a light at the end of the tunnel, in the form of a date when the long distance will stop. Undivided attention when you are together.
Gloria: With any healthy relationship, compromise needs to be at the core. There needs to be a little give and take from both sides, and while one party might have to travel for work, I think it's also important they take a few weeks or a month off to just spend in one place with the person they love. Start new traditions every time you see each other or any country you visit together. It'll make the time you spend apart, that much more bearable.
Erick: Yikes. My exes are going to laugh you even asked me this question. lol. I think it's important that both parties are open to compromise. My biggest character flaw is selfishness when it comes to my travels. I prefer to travel alone and hate when someone interferes with my plans. Also, make sure you don't waste time fighting when you are together. Since your time is so limited together don't waste it. Cut out all other distractions and focus on each other.
Rachel: Record a video on Snapchat or a personal video like this is what I'm looking at, this is what I'm seeing, and here's some photos, face-timing and stuff like that, I think that's very helpful. Especially when you're away because it makes them feel like they're seeing what you're seeing and experiencing some of the things you're experiencing. And I think time apart allows you to miss somebody. Or bringing back souvenirs, I don't buy a lot but if I see something that I know someone would really like it let's them know I thought of them and I'll get that. It lets them know that you listen to what they're saying or they know you know they like something outside of a shot glass and a keychain. That has been really helpful for me. Them knowing upfront that this is what I do and this is my life.
Oneika: Communication is key. Establish expectations and routines for how and when you'll stay in contact with your partner when you're away. Will you Skype every two days? Whatsapp in the evenings when you get back to the hotel after a day of sightseeing? Chat on the phone every morning when you get up? These are things that should be addressed before you jet off. Spend quality time together when you're in the same place. It's hard being the one who gets "left behind". Separation can put a real strain on a relationship, especially when one person is living it up in a new place and the other is doing the same old thing back home. Plan a date night, spa day, or picnic in the park so you can reconnect once you're back in the same area code.
Evita and the Nomadness Tribe in Zanzibar
Why You Should Date A Person Who Travels
Evita: She will be one of the most flexible people you will come in contact with. She'll know how to take things in stride, have better compromising skills than most, and probably be more empathetic to the world than someone who has never left their neighborhood.
Gloria: We'd be cheaper dates, because we'd value experiences over material things, we'd have a home, but it's more of a feeling than a place, meaning we don't always need to fly thousands of miles home to celebrate every major holiday, and she wouldn't succumb to societal pressures, because society is often the last thing she'll turn to when making pivotal decisions in life.
Erick: People should definitely date those that travel. Travelers tend to be resourceful, compassionate, sociable, and energetic. Also ridiculously positive. Some of the coolest women I've met have been travelers and could see myself actually making something work long term if I was in a different place in my life. It's all about expectations. Don't date a traveler and expect them to "eventually" stop traveling or change. It's unlikely to happen and if it does I assure you it's probably not by choice, which may lead to other issues.
Rachel: She's not as complicated as you would think. I've seen how people live and are so happy on a lot less than what we have, so it made things a lot more simple for me. I think about a lot of things before I even make big purchases. It doesn't take a lot to make me happy now. So I say date a girl who travels because it doesn't take a lot to make her really happy. I'm okay with doing simple things and I think just because I live a life of adventure so I don't necessarily have to be always doing something super crazy when we're dating. She's open to new adventures, a great communicator and very nurturing.
Oneika: She'll never bore you. Women who travel are adventurous, risk-takers, and unafraid to try new things! She's easygoing and highly adaptable. Women who travel are pros at thinking on their feet, being flexible, and accepting that things won't always go as planned. She's well-versed in diplomacy, culture, and human behavior. Women who travel are used to coming across people from all walks of life. They also have a deep appreciation for history, are tolerant, and have a high level of cultural fluency.
Follow our travel bloggers: Evita (The Nomadness Tribe), Gloria (The Blog Abroad), Erick (Minority Nomad), Rachel (Rachel Travels), Oneika (Oneika the Traveller).
Featured image by Shutterstock
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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Featured image by Giphy