Back To Basics: Confessions Of A Fashion Blogger
Let me be the first to tell you that being a fashion blogger is not all the glitz and glamour that it appears to be. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of perks to being an influencer, from the free clothes to event invitations to being in the same room and connecting with fashion's cool kids.
There are, also, a lot of sleepless nights spent plotting, planning, and producing. So, why do it, you may ask? Because the reward is so much greater than the risk and the work. Let me tell you about how I look forward to Mondays now. For the first time in my life, I'm doing something that I actually, dare I say it, enjoy!
Almost nine years of my life was spent building a very dry career as an Engineer in Corporate America. After obtaining a B.S. in Chemical Engineering from Howard University (Aww HU!), I obtained what most considered a "good job". The paycheck was great, the benefits were amazing, I had three or more weeks of paid vacation but I was 100% and absolutely miserable. It was the very essence of square peg round hole!
A few weeks after celebrating a pretty monumental birthday in Paris and Rome, I had a very real come-to-Jesus moment in my life. Someone very close to me had a completely unexpected near death experience. The realization that death can come at any moment has a funny way of shifting your perspective on life. About a month or so after breaking down, jumping on plane last minute, and braving through the severity of the situation, I got a knock on my door. Life showed up and asked me, âAre you going to continue to be miserable or are you going to try to turn this thing around? It's your choice."
A huge part of who you are is how you react to moments of adversity. That situation forced me to be more involved with the direction of my life. I did not have to keep showing up at that job, looking at those gray walls and being stationed at that cubicle for hours doing work that gave me not one ounce of joy. I actually had the power to change it.
I did, however, have to figure out how the bills were going to get paid because they don't stop showing up just because you've had your âAha" moment. I spent a few more years working and simultaneously building the foundation for my personal style blog, The Werk! Place.
Along this process of continuing to walk in my purpose and getting these bills paid, I've learned a few key lessons:
Lesson #1: It Will Take Some Time Before You Are Paid For Your Work
I learned very quickly as an influencer that just because you've invested time, energy, money and resources into your craft, doesn't mean that people want to pay you for it. You may have to do some a lot of work pro bono.
Starting out, not one person is going to be familiar with your brand, work ethic, or finished product, so you're going to have to show them what you're werking with! Find the right contacts, do the werk and build the portfolio. Once you've shown the consistency and quality needed to sustain your business, then you have the tools necessary to ask for what you deserve.
Lesson #2: Your Network Is Your Net Worth
I'll be honest, I still struggle with this one a little bit. I absolutely hate asking people to connect me to a person, event, or a project. I will do everything in my power to try to get what I need before I go to someone else for the plug. Just know, If I'm asking for help, I've exhausted the possibilities on my own. One day, I'll spend some time on someone's couch and get to the root of it all.
As of late, I'm learning that some people are placed into your life to be vessels. They are meant to take you to a level that you can't reach on your own. So get out there and network at events, mingle with other influencers, publicists and brands on social media, and utilize the network you've already built. Once you reveal to others what you are trying to do, you'd be surprise at how many people are willing to help you get there.
Lesson #3: You Have To Be Your Own Publicist
As an influencer, it goes down in the inbox (and sometimes the DM). If it's set up well, the site and the accompanying social media channels can serve as a living resume. Brands will reach out for collaborations based on what they see online.
Brands were reaching out but they were not always brands that I wanted to align with The Werk! Place. I had to be more active about seeking out the companies that I genuinely enjoyed to create organic partnerships.
I put on my Public Relations hat and called on my best friend Google to create a media kit that would represent my aesthetic. Shortly after I sent it out to potential partners I wanted to work with, it lead to projects that made more sense for my brand.
Lesson #4: You Will Have To Put The Balance Back Into Werk/Life Balance
When you've finally started to enjoy what you do, your brain will always be churning with ideas. You will find that you can literally work for seven days straight if it were not for needing sleep and taking showers.
I learned that while that sounds good in theory, in practice, you can't be very productive if you work all the time. You will burn out and begin to despise what you do. You have to give your body and mind time to rest. I've gotten some of my best ideas in the middle of a run or in the car on the way to an event. Take a break, live a little.
Lesson #5: You Can't Be A Jack or Jill Of All Trades All The Time
I'm pretty independent and have prided myself on being able to do all of the things at the same time all by myself. I mean, my favorite bible verse and one that I repeat several times throughout the day is Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!" As a small business owner, you're going to have to wear many hats (like all of them). You are going to have to be your own accountant, publicist, manager, assistant, social media manager, and so forth until you start bringing in enough income to hire on people to help you. You'll soon figure out, however, that in order to stay ahead of the game, you're going to have to eventually outsource and delegate some of those tasks.
So much of my time has been spent on the business of blogging that, at times, the actual blogging gets left behind. How Sway?! If you can get someone to manage more of the business, social media scheduling or accounting, you can actually get back to the core of the business.
Lesson #6: Scared Money Doesn't Make Any Money
When I started out as a Personal Style Blogger back in 2012, I set myself up pretty well. Due to my certifiable shopping addiction, I had the clothes, shoes and accessories to create the looks necessary for three years' worth of blog posts. However, I wasn't completely prepared for the other business expenses that I would incur.
If you are going to be successful as an influencer, you will absolutely without a doubt have to invest money into your brand. Your site design, domain name, logo, trademark, (hair, makeup, manicure, pedicure --if your brand is based off of your personal appearance), business cards, thank you notes, media kit, accounting software and continuing education courses will all be valid expenses when starting up your business. Before the companies start blowing up your inbox and sending packages to your P.O. Box, you will have to be your own biggest supporter and sponsor.
These are some of the biggest lessons I've learned during my time as a fashion brand, and tidbits I wish I had known ahead of time.
For more style tips and advice on starting your own fashion brand, follow @tiffanymbattle on Instagram.
Originally published April 13, 2018
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. Thatâs why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who arenât afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, theyâre ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Donât forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though itâs my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, itâs still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades â and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, âShellie, weâve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.â
Yep, me. Little oleâ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, yâall better quit letting people tell you what youâre called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe Iâve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is â âYou better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big âole party for all of the work that youâre about to do.â And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, âAnd you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.â
Why do I emphasize that point so much? Itâs because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think itâs important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife â or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
Itâs Time to Stop âLiving for the Fairy Taleâ
GiphyIf youâve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that Iâve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan âA diamond is foreverâ and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, Iâll just let you read Insiderâs âHere's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,â if youâre interested.
And as far as marriage goes, donât even get me started on the whole âIâm living for the fairy taleâ narrative that gets pushed incessantly. Iâve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means âa story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creaturesâ and âan incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.â Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that âcharm is deceitfulâ (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, whatâs up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric thatâs so popular and also, so⌠âsillyâ is the first word that comes to mind, âunrealisticâ is the second and âunnecessaryâ is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom â all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldnât afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it â even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your âwhyâ?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and donât get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) â WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, âWhen you find your âwhyâ, you will find a way to make it happen.â And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there arenât enough âwhyâ questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying âwhyâ you want a huge wedding is nothing more than âbecause I want toâ or âwhyâ you chose the man that you did is simply âI love himâ â Iâve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply arenât good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thingâŚnot by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf youâve been reading my content for a while now, you know that Iâm good for throwing some Scripture in; itâs a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word thatâs used to define it in the Bible is âhelpmateâ (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual â in this case, a husband.
While weâre here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and itâs good. Lawd, I canât tell you how many wife clients Iâve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does âgood helpâ look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into âAm I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?â
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that Iâm not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the âprincess treatment.â Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is âFathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queenâ â and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, âAn excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.â
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. Itâs not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do â and itâs not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Yâall, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, Iâll just end this part of the article with, âIf youâre not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, youâre not ready to be a wife.â Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (Iâm writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people donât have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when youâre dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person youâre seeing keeps their word â and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying âI do.â And while weâre here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly donât see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it â to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way â down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a âtrickâ that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldnât feel like they are falling for someone when theyâre able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big oleâ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isnât even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you donât want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you donât want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you donât want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you donât want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you donât want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual â marriage isnât for you.
Youâd be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I donât mean marry yourself; you are already âoneâ with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce becauseâŚdivorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union â yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. Itâs not a party. Itâs a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Donât Get Married Until Youâre Sure That You WantâŚBOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I donât immediately respond with, âCongrats! Thatâs awesome.â NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, âFor real. Why?â WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, âWhat do you mean âwhyâ?â and then follow that up with, âBecause Iâm in loveâ orâŚthey donât really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesnât really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT â Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think youâve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because youâre both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, thatâs not asking enough. I donât care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I donât care how much divorce has been normalized. I donât care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (itâs not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (itâs not) â marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just saidâŚnot simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, thatâs a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: itâs because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for â not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; youâll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: âWhen it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesnât excite you more than being a bride â wait. Youâre not ready yet.â
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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