5 Ways To Push Through A Quarter-Life Crisis
When I turned 21, the blues of adulthood had me feeling depressed and hopeless. I was working at a coffee shop job in Beverly Hills that I thoroughly hated––every lady looked like a Britney Spears or Beyoncé rip-off while I was just chilling with thick thighs, a muffin top and jeans I could barely fit––and I felt like everything I accomplished thus far was meaningless.
Riding the 720 bus was the only time I sat and reflected on my life. For me, on that bus was the only time I had to think about where my life was headed. It was the bus when I saw rich and famous stars like Michael Douglas, Pete Wentz, and Brandy headed down Wilshire in their flashy cars. The 720 took me toward Hollywood, where I was in good company with other people who were depressed like me, yet they found their solace in playing the "which star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame am I going to piss on today" game.
While watching the palm trees sway outside of the bus window and crying to all 10 stinking minutes and four seconds of Erykah Badu's song, "Green Eyes," I pointed out several things about my life that were bothering me.
For one, my long distance relationship, which bore many promises of marriage, ended with my fiancé running into the arms of another woman. Then there were the hundreds of job applications that I turned in to companies in my field yielded zero callbacks. My Fox Sports internship ended with my coordinator throwing his hands up at me, and I was living with an aunt and uncle who sometimes acted like I was a huge burden on their lives. My telemarketing job had taken a perverted turn when my fellow employees suddenly started admitting to ripping people off, because let's face it, when was the last time anyone purchased a product from a cold call? And at that point, I felt like my college degree was just another piece of paper to throw on top of the rest of the junk mail on the table.
Life was rough, I was depressed, and had zero answers.
However, the 720 bus allowed me the time to figure out how I could turn my messy life into something meaningful: I decided to head to the Hollywood military recruiting station from Koreatown and dedicate my life to military service.
Yeah, I know. It sounds pretty stupid, but that's what happens when you're pulling strings out of thin air while trying to figure out the answers. In my mind, it was the best way for me to skip all of the headaches of adulthood.
So with tears in my eyes, I cut my hair, threw on my my big girl pants and caught that 720 bus to glory. It was my train to freedom from the depressive thoughts that were chasing me. It was my saving grace. It was almost the exact same thing that Katy Perry went through in her "Part of Me" music video except I joined the Navy, because the Marines were out to lunch when I reached the recruiting station. Go figure.
I was fully in the midst of a quarter-life crisis, brought on by the stress of becoming an adult.
While I treated Uncle Sam as my savior from this dark time, looking back, I realized that my impatience is what made my own quarter-life crisis last longer than it needed to. But I know like anyone else that being patient, or waiting for God to throw you a sign, can be tough.
Living life in your 20s comes with a lot of emotional highs and lows, and you're not really sure how to develop into a normal, functioning adult because you're relative new to the game. But if you're going through a quarter-life crisis, here are several things that can help you push through.
1. DO YOU, NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS ABOUT IT
One of the worst parts of my quarter-life crisis was the fact that I thought other people's opinions about my life mattered. Years later, I realized that making ymy own decisions was part of the process of growing as an adult. No one else has to walk a mile in your shoes but you, so don't allow someone else's opinions to run your life.
2.TRAVEL WHILE YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDREN
The best part about me joining the Navy was the fact that I had so much time to think while I was deployed overseas. Those nights on the ship where the sky over the Red Sea was so dark that I couldn't see my hand in front of my face was the perfect time for me to hear my inner voice loud and clear. But that all went away after I had my son, who made a ridiculous amount of noise every time we boarded a plane or took a road trip or even touched him.
If I had known then what I know now, I could have gotten a teaching certificate and taught English to students in China or Korea after graduating sans the military enlistment. I could have also volunteered at several African orphanages, or taken a job as an au pair overseas. I didn't need the military to travel. What I needed was a break.
Make a bigger effort to travel during college or right after graduating. You may be under the impression that since you were a broke college or post-college student that the cost of traveling is too expensive for you. But trust me, it isn't.
3. UTILIZE YOUR TIME ALONE
I realize that I spent next to no time healing from my childhood trauma or appreciating the woman I was growing to be while I was alone and single in my 20s.
I could have spent my 20s finding new ways to love myself and my flaws when I was kicking it solo. Or, appreciating how much fun I was having by my lonesome while learning Tagalog from those wacky and hilarious Filipino game shows that constantly played on my television during my deployment to a British-owned island. I could have appreciated myself as a free woman a lot more as I poured libations for the slaves who were buried at the plantation on the island. But instead, I allowed the problems I faced during my quarter-life crisis to distract me from living life.
[Tweet "Spend your 20s finding new ways to love yourself"]
So while you're alone, make the best of your alone time. Learn how to respect your life's journey, where you've been and what you need to work on when you're by yourself. Those are the times when the answer you're looking for falls on you like a ton of bricks.
4. GIVE BACK MORE OFTEN
When my ship went to port in Dubai, I had the opportunity to volunteer at a home for children with mental and physical disabilities. While I was there, I met some amazing kids who were so happy to see a "Nubian" person who served in the American military that they forgot all about their own problems. To say that I was touched by their genuine innocence would be an understatement.
Even though some people may not know you from a can of paint, just being around their joy can uplift your own spirits. Get out of your own way, so you can appreciate the blessings a lot more.
5. DON'T LET YOUR DEGREE DEFINE YOU
It's no longer surprising to me anymore to find someone who has graduated college, only to discover that they'd rather not study in their chosen field. Trust me, I know how frustrating it is to hear employers request 2-4 years of experience in your field of study, when you just got the dang degree 10 minutes ago. It's enough to make you ask, "What's the point of it all?"
If you find yourself in this situation, don't throw in all of the cards. Discover what it is that you'd rather do with your life instead. The fact is that there are many adults who are years older than you with the exact same problem. You were just lucky enough to have this problem while you were young.
Find out what it is that you want to do with your life, whether you decide to take a year off before going to grad school or you decide to build your own business. In the end, what matters is that you're doing what you're passionate about.
Honestly, I still don't have things all the way figured out, and I'm okay with that as long as I keep learning and growing. As long as you keep the same attitude and give the universe your undivided attention and absolute patience, you can survive anything. Even a quarter-life crisis.
Have you ever had a quarter-life crisis? How did you figure things out?
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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These 11 Married Couples Share Their Keys To Long-Term Marital Success
The late actor Audrey Hepburn once said something that I think a lot of married couples who have at least 10 years under their belt will agree with: “If I get married, I want to be very married.” In my mind, this means very committed, very complementary, and very willing to go the distance — otherwise, what’s the point?
Really, what’s the point?
Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
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Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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