5 Things You May Be Doing To Lose Yourself
There are a lot of articles, self-help books, Instagram quotes and the like about how to travel the world, meditate, and eat, pray, love to find your true self.
There are twice as many people willing to tell or sell you their testimony on how, once lost, they discovered themselves at the end of a grueling search. We, the people, love a good hide and seek tale about one's identity. As of late; however, I've been all about being proactive instead of reactive--focusing more on causes rather than effects, and from that focus came the question: How do we lose ourselves?
I began to think critically about the times (yep, plural) that I've felt disconnected from my spirit and found that these 5 things are how you lose yourself.
1. Being in relationships that drain you.
And no, I don't just mean those of the romantic sort. I am talking about those friends who only call to dump their bad days on you, but who disappear when you're in need. I mean that family member who has always mistreated you and who you forgive because “blood is thicker than water." Hell, I mean that girl who does your hair and makes you wait three hours after your scheduled appointment time because she has personal issues that keep her from being professional. And yes, I also mean that man or woman who keeps you up all night in tears, makes you question your self-worth, and can't see anything in you worth respecting---all in the name of “love." These are the relationships that deteriorate the most crucial connection you can have, the one with yourself.
2. Failing to practice gratitude.
Often times when we feel the most broken or down, it's because we are focusing on all of the things we do not have instead of the things we've already been blessed with. It is so easy to get caught up in the “what ifs" and the “when is it going to happen" that our present situation can feel anything but satisfying. We pick and prod over everything we are lacking in such great detail while barely noticing the multitude of wonders we have to offer.
3. Mistaking depression for anything other than depression.
Depression is tricky. It has the uncanny ability to distort your reality and make you believe that your job/friends/lover/dreams/self are all worthless. And it will try its best to convince you that it will be cured by losing weight, moving to a different city, having less or more lovers, praying a lot or not at all, secluding yourself or keeping so many people around you never have a moment to yourself---oh, depression is a real shapeshifter. And the truth of the matter is depression can only be dealt with after it is called by its name and treated as such. If you're suffering from depression, try your best to face it head on---you won't always win but you won't always lose either.
4. Placing your self-worth in your accomplishments (or failures!).
Here's the thing: sometimes life is absolutely amazing and other times, it is literally terrible. Ebbs and flows are a natural part of everyone's life--even those who seem to have it all. But what I've found is that if I can detach my feelings about myself from my feelings about wherever I am in my life, I can hold on to the same amount of peace and joy in the bad times as I have in the good times. This takes practice, a lot of it, but it is so worth it. When the way I viewed me was wrapped up in whether an article I wrote went viral or whether I booked the role I wanted, I was on a constant roller coaster of loving myself and then hating myself, and that spilled over into my relationships--both professional and personal. I was teaching people to love me with the same conditions, and people whose feelings about me depended on what I could do for them surrounded me.
5. Wallowing in self-pity.
This is a hard one to accept for many because it means taking a long, hard, critical look at yourself in the name of growth--and it can be uncomfortable. The truth of the matter is we as able-minded adults, those of us not suffering from mental illnesses that keep us from being able to think clearly, must be responsible for ourselves. It doesn't matter where we come from or what we've been through, there comes a time when those things cannot be called upon as excuses for our unhappiness.
We tell the universe to keep dumping bad things in our path because we like them. We convince ourselves that we are powerless; therefore, handing over the baton of our lives to whomever and whatever we come in contact with.
The bottom line is that you cannot cover yourself in gasoline and be mad when you are set on fire. The gasoline can be the refusal to separate yourself from toxic relationships, ingratitude, or even a career that zaps your goodness, but one thing is for sure--you won't dodge that fire for long. That fire can be consuming. Sure, there are those who are able to self-help book their way out of it before too much precious time is wasted, but there are others who spend their whole life trying to find their way back to themselves. That doesn't have to be your story!
Do you feel as though you've lost yourself? Let's chat in the comments
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Between the rise of the creator economy and the gig economy, the window of opportunity to leverage your creativity for long-term gain has never been more potent.
For the last four years, I’ve worked as a full-time freelance writer and content creator. A year into this journey, I knew that if I wanted to create a sense of structure around my life outside of a traditional 9-5, I would have to create it.
To my surprise, that came in the form of social media.
Now, you might be wondering how someone might be able to juggle their work in a creatively-dominant career like writing while still having the mental capacity to produce ideas for their own personal brand, and well, that answer didn’t come easily.
In 2021, I hit a wall with writing and content creation.
With the stress and uncertainty that came as a result of the pandemic, to being burned out from having to live off my creativity, I reached a breaking point. For me, writing was always a space to explore my thoughts, process heavy topics, and express concepts that only words could bring reason to. However, when I didn’t have the brainpower to write or create content, I knew it was time to set parameters around my hobby of content creation and my passion for storytelling.
In this case, the biggest challenge was finding the balance between the two by releasing the guilt and shame of taking a break from both in order to reconnect with them.
Through years of trial and error, the fog finally cleared, and I was able to hit my stride in 2023. From garnering over 10K followers on TikTok, building an Instagram community around lifestyle and creative encouragement, along with my wellness collective, Black Girl Playground, and writing for xoNecole as a lifestyle contributor, the creative juices have been flowing steadily.
And it all happened by creating a strategy that allowed space for planning, resting, and creating. Today, I’ll be sharing my top tips to help you find your balance between your side hustle and passions.
On staying inspired and motivated when working on various content creation and freelancing projects:
Early this year, I came to the bright conclusion that I needed to shorten the gap between ideation and execution — and it completely changed how I create.
Oftentimes, when we have an idea come to us, we let it sit for too long, and then before we know it, we’ve either lost the enthusiasm to put it into action, or someone else grabs it. If you want to stay in a flow of creativity, whether side projects or full-time work, it’s important to not get slowed down by self-doubt, procrastination, or perfectionism.
Give yourself permission to act on your ideas as they come to you. Even if they’re a little muddy or not “perfect,” you can always fine-tune them later.
@yagirlaley shrinking the gap between [ideation] + [execution] 🧠💡#fyp #creativeadvice
On the importance of choosing a niche:
If there’s one thing that has helped me balance my work as a writer and content creator, it’s putting each in its own niche (or category). By definition, a niche is a specialized segment of the market or a specific area of expertise.
When you are creating in the same niche that you’re also making a living in, that’s an easy way to get your wires crossed. And at times, this could lead to feeling as if you don’t have any ideas for yourself because you’ve given them to the other area you're juggling.
When balancing two, you want to have enough fresh ideas to give to your personal projects and your full-time work to avoid any overlap. This ensures that your personal creative vision isn’t compromised when working on client projects while still having some for yourself.
On the strategies that have helped to maintain a consistent workflow in both areas:
I can’t stress enough how important it is to create a workflow and structure for yourself as a freelancer — this applies to those with a 9-5 in the day and a 5-9 at night, too.
As someone who admittedly has ADHD tendencies, object permanence can sometimes create a block in time and project management. That’s why I encourage creatives and professionals to create systems that allow you to see the work that’s ahead of you.
Personally, I can’t live without having multiple calendars going at once. My Google calendar keeps track of interviews for articles and events, while my physical calendar helps me keep track of important dates. I also work out of an Excel sheet where I can log in ongoing stories and track their status from drafting to submission. I’ve also heard great things about the Notion app for planning and tracking.
When it comes to creating content, spending time doing bulk content days has been an asset to my creative workflow. When I complete the videos, I save them to my drafts and upload them as needed.
Credit: Amberita
Courtesy of the writer
On the best advice for someone who is considering pursuing both content creation and freelancing simultaneously:
Don’t be ashamed of taking a break and resting — because both are essential to the life of a creative. Last month, I returned to Instagram after taking 6 months off from posting. During that time, I worked on growing my TikTok page, using the platform to practice vulnerability and allowing myself to put the fun back into creating content. Without the time, I can’t say I’d be able to approach Instagram with the same ease and playfulness; but thanks to that time away, it was possible.
Resting, letting our minds wander, or simply doing nothing are all just as productive as creating. No one can produce at all times, we have to allow ourselves the space for new concepts and ideas to flow to us. In addition to that, when we take breaks from social media, it allows us to stop the wheel of comparison and consume more than we create. So if you feel like you’re in a creative rut with all you want to balance, it may be time to take a step back, unapologetically.
Your creativity will thank you for it.
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Featured image by Sir Taylor