5 Love Lessons I've Learned From Being In A Situationship
It is rare that I meet men who have nothing going for themselves, lack substance, and the like because I wholeheartedly believe that we attract who we are at any given time of our lives. They typically have their lives together – some entrepreneurs, all educated – eclectic, exciting, enriching. In the beginning, everything goes so well.
No commitment. We're chillin'.
I have wonderful words to describe them all, but with a few, the end of our situationship still felt like a loss.
Somehow, even though we were never an outwardly exclusive partnership, I have ended up feeling silly and/or hurt at no longer having some of these men in my life anymore. I view relationships as relationships, even if there wasn't any real commitment involved in the nonexclusive ones I've had. I weigh these experiences the same as I have the three exclusive relationships I have been in. And I don't feel crazy about it anymore.
Here are 5 love lessons I have learned from being in a situationship:
1. Be Clear On Your Intentions
For some, sex is the most vulnerable and intimate act shared with someone else. For me, this is not totally the case because my history with sex tells a very different story. Truth be told, I've been in situations where sex happened upon arrival, where we waited, or where we didn't have sex at all. In the wise words of one of my male cousins, “It doesn't matter if you gave it up on day 1 or day 100, if that's all he (or she) wanted, that's all it's going to be."
I also understand the value behind the why and respect those who do choose to wait. Good for you. It is not a universal truth and it certainly isn't one size fits all. We see many of the happily ever after stories about why it is appropriate to wait, but it is possible to live that same story even if you don't wait. Do what is true to yourself, what works for the both of you, and where you are or aren't trying to go. Be clear on your intentions.
2. Love Yourself
And by loving yourself, I don't mean placing your worth and value at the mercy of the person you are involved with. What I do mean is that after every separation from that which was never exclusively “mine," I still have me.
I'd spend substantial amounts of quality time with myself and my Higher Power, forgiving myself, and extracting from each experience what was healthy or unhealthy for my growth and sifting through feelings of rejection, shame, guilt, regret, or not being good enough. I emerged from isolation restored, reminding myself of the sweetness and value of each experience, and that I am good enough. There's power in that. I'm thankful for the love I have found in and for myself. Love what you have before you go giving it away.
3. Needs > Wants
Quite possibly the most valuable lesson I have learned in every situationship, consciously or not, is to be open. I also learned to allow people to be who they are. In doing so, I have come to understand what sets my soul on fire and what pisses me off.
I have grown to understand that what I need, both independently and in the context of a relationship, is often the exact opposite of what I thought I wanted. I have ceased trying to change someone into who I want them to be or allowing someone to do the same to me. I have grown to choose substance over surface. I have realized that my needs and wants will be synonymous with whoever I am to spend the rest of my life with.
4. Get Your Power Back
I think often times we can subject ourselves to upset and heartbreak by proceeding without caution, not asking the necessary questions, “going with the flow," or allowing circumstances, people and opportunities that are not necessarily FOR US to speak on our behalf and dictate where things are or aren't going. Too often, I was the “chill" woman, you know, the “we'll see what happens" kind of person, never calling out, challenging or pushing back on the dissonance between the words and actions presented to me because I did not want to push any buttons.
Having difficult, uncomfortable, and awkward conversations with yourself and others is necessary and may leave a sting (that sting is fleeting), but not being able to have a say-so in decisions regarding your heart and life will hurt much deeper. We DO have a say. There is power in confirming the clear direction and safe landing that our lives are steered in. You can walk away. You can let go. No one can ever take that power away from you anymore, and vow that no one ever will.
5. Be Ready For the Man You Will Spend Your Life With
We've heard many times the quote about investing so much love and time into the wrong relationships that we should look forward to the day where we can invest the same and more into the right ones, when that time comes. In hindsight, there is not one man that I've involved myself with that was right or wrong necessarily. I believe that human life is much more valuable than just a right or wrong, good or bad person, and that we should treat everyone with privilege.
Everyone and everything is a valuable experience and not a waste of time.
I have decided that the men of my past were a significant moment in time that was necessary for my growth as an individual and as a partner. Without these experiences, I wouldn't have anything to look forward to. And I look forward to finding love in the future without the expectation that things will go bad or that I'll be hurt again and without the regret of having wasted my time.
Instead, with each encounter, I view them as fleeting glimpses of my eternity. When we meet (and maybe we already have), I already know I'm going to be ready. Whatever “ready" looks like. I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned.
Have you ever been in a situationship? What has been your biggest takeaway from them? Share with us below!
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- 15 Signs Your Relationship Is Actually A 'Situationship' ›
- Advice Column: How To Let Go Of A Situationship | HuffPost ›
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images