41 and Childless: Why I'm Still Hitting Snooze On My Biological Clock
I scroll through my Facebook news feed admiring the chubby-cheeked faces that my high school classmates post. The happy babies are dressed in toothless grins and two-pieced grownup outfits looking like little men and women. I smile in recognition of the toddlers who are complete miniatures of the people who upload the photos.
“Aww look at her,” I say to myself. “Too cute.”
Then I read the caption. It refers to “my grandbaby.”
Grandchildren? I’m not old enough to be anyone’s Grandma! Am I? But I’m not even a parent yet! Never mind that, I’m 41.
And then I start to do the math, which has become an increasingly growing habit these days. I calculate how I could have a high school student right about now. Or a college student. Or (gasp!) a college graduate. Then, yeah, I guess it would be possible to be a grandmother at 41 had I not thrown the proverbial biological clock across the room and postponed motherhood.
It would be easy to blame work for my delay. I was building a formative career. I wanted to achieve VP, partner, or CEO status before I stepped away for eight weeks of maternity leave. But as Tamar Braxton would say, “Lies.” The truth is I hated that job so much that I would’ve gladly chosen stay-at-home motherhood with toddler triplets and a newborn instead. If I had a husband, that thought might’ve been a strong reality.
But that might be a lie, too. I still wonder if the absence of a man was as great of an influence on my decision to remain child-free in my 20’s – and 30’s – as my belief that I had plenty of child-bearing years left or the lack of an immediate familial network to offer advice and support.
At 40, when time seems to have sped up like the hour hand during Spring of Daylight Savings time, my concerns shifted from who’s going to be part of my village when the time comes to are there going to be any willing villagers left by the time I do have a child?
I express this to my cousins after they assumed that I just don’t want children.
“Don’t do that to your child,” one of my cousins said.
“What?” I ask. I’m confused by the question posed by the woman who, in her 30s, gave birth to her last child.
Her initial response includes “patience” and “activities.” So maybe I can get snippy, but that’s rare. I think. And sure, not even three months ago, I lost my balance in the moon bounce and fell in a corner. I stayed there a couple of seconds too long, knees and heart burning from the strenuous jumping, all while a few kids continued to hop all around me until another adult grabbed my arm and pulled me out. But that was only one time.
I’m still young enough to keep up.
“Hmph. Child come out looking older than you,” she adds.
Okay, I get it.
I understand that I’m considered to be in a high-risk zone. My chances of conceiving may have dropped from 40-50 percent at 40 and could fall as low as one to two percent by age 43. And my risk of miscarriage can rise to 53 percent by the time I’m 45. And I’m not overlooking the risk of genetic disorders.
I also realize the other idiosyncrasies that come with being an older parent. I see the close relationship between my relative and her children and how it mirrors a friendship, with parental boundaries, of course. Would it be the same if there were a 40-year gap between their ages?
I also question if I’d still be around for my children’s milestones – prom, graduation, marriage, and their own pregnancy – because these habitual calculations are multiplying exponentially.
And I wonder if I’ll be mistaken for Grandma after all since I may be the oldest parent on the first day of kindergarten or at birthday parties and Mommy and Me play dates.
Still I’m not discouraged by majority opinion, appearances, and statistics. Older motherhood isn’t a new phenomenon, and older mothers can bear healthy babies. Look at Halle Berry and Kim Fields, who both had their second child at 46. Or even those I know personally. Like my cousin’s cousin who also delivered a healthy baby at 46. And my mother’s over-40 neighbor-friend, who had twins without fertility treatment.
[Tweet "Older motherhood isn’t a new phenomenon, and older mothers can bear healthy babies."]
I’m also not deterred by the so-called ticking of that old biological clock because there is no firm cut-off time for motherhood.
But then again, as I near 42, I don’t want to oversleep and miss out what I consider will be one of my life’s biggest moments, either. Okay, maybe I won’t set an alarm. I’ll just adjust the clock back another hour like Daylight Savings Time in the fall and be sure to keep my eye on the time.
I write about lifestyle and women's health and wellness. When I'm not in front of a computer screen crafting stories, I'm in a kitchen crafting cocktails. Follow me on the 'gram @teronda.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Between the rise of the creator economy and the gig economy, the window of opportunity to leverage your creativity for long-term gain has never been more potent.
For the last four years, I’ve worked as a full-time freelance writer and content creator. A year into this journey, I knew that if I wanted to create a sense of structure around my life outside of a traditional 9-5, I would have to create it.
To my surprise, that came in the form of social media.
Now, you might be wondering how someone might be able to juggle their work in a creatively-dominant career like writing while still having the mental capacity to produce ideas for their own personal brand, and well, that answer didn’t come easily.
In 2021, I hit a wall with writing and content creation.
With the stress and uncertainty that came as a result of the pandemic, to being burned out from having to live off my creativity, I reached a breaking point. For me, writing was always a space to explore my thoughts, process heavy topics, and express concepts that only words could bring reason to. However, when I didn’t have the brainpower to write or create content, I knew it was time to set parameters around my hobby of content creation and my passion for storytelling.
In this case, the biggest challenge was finding the balance between the two by releasing the guilt and shame of taking a break from both in order to reconnect with them.
Through years of trial and error, the fog finally cleared, and I was able to hit my stride in 2023. From garnering over 10K followers on TikTok, building an Instagram community around lifestyle and creative encouragement, along with my wellness collective, Black Girl Playground, and writing for xoNecole as a lifestyle contributor, the creative juices have been flowing steadily.
And it all happened by creating a strategy that allowed space for planning, resting, and creating. Today, I’ll be sharing my top tips to help you find your balance between your side hustle and passions.
On staying inspired and motivated when working on various content creation and freelancing projects:
Early this year, I came to the bright conclusion that I needed to shorten the gap between ideation and execution — and it completely changed how I create.
Oftentimes, when we have an idea come to us, we let it sit for too long, and then before we know it, we’ve either lost the enthusiasm to put it into action, or someone else grabs it. If you want to stay in a flow of creativity, whether side projects or full-time work, it’s important to not get slowed down by self-doubt, procrastination, or perfectionism.
Give yourself permission to act on your ideas as they come to you. Even if they’re a little muddy or not “perfect,” you can always fine-tune them later.
@yagirlaley shrinking the gap between [ideation] + [execution] 🧠💡#fyp #creativeadvice
On the importance of choosing a niche:
If there’s one thing that has helped me balance my work as a writer and content creator, it’s putting each in its own niche (or category). By definition, a niche is a specialized segment of the market or a specific area of expertise.
When you are creating in the same niche that you’re also making a living in, that’s an easy way to get your wires crossed. And at times, this could lead to feeling as if you don’t have any ideas for yourself because you’ve given them to the other area you're juggling.
When balancing two, you want to have enough fresh ideas to give to your personal projects and your full-time work to avoid any overlap. This ensures that your personal creative vision isn’t compromised when working on client projects while still having some for yourself.
On the strategies that have helped to maintain a consistent workflow in both areas:
I can’t stress enough how important it is to create a workflow and structure for yourself as a freelancer — this applies to those with a 9-5 in the day and a 5-9 at night, too.
As someone who admittedly has ADHD tendencies, object permanence can sometimes create a block in time and project management. That’s why I encourage creatives and professionals to create systems that allow you to see the work that’s ahead of you.
Personally, I can’t live without having multiple calendars going at once. My Google calendar keeps track of interviews for articles and events, while my physical calendar helps me keep track of important dates. I also work out of an Excel sheet where I can log in ongoing stories and track their status from drafting to submission. I’ve also heard great things about the Notion app for planning and tracking.
When it comes to creating content, spending time doing bulk content days has been an asset to my creative workflow. When I complete the videos, I save them to my drafts and upload them as needed.
Credit: Amberita
Courtesy of the writer
On the best advice for someone who is considering pursuing both content creation and freelancing simultaneously:
Don’t be ashamed of taking a break and resting — because both are essential to the life of a creative. Last month, I returned to Instagram after taking 6 months off from posting. During that time, I worked on growing my TikTok page, using the platform to practice vulnerability and allowing myself to put the fun back into creating content. Without the time, I can’t say I’d be able to approach Instagram with the same ease and playfulness; but thanks to that time away, it was possible.
Resting, letting our minds wander, or simply doing nothing are all just as productive as creating. No one can produce at all times, we have to allow ourselves the space for new concepts and ideas to flow to us. In addition to that, when we take breaks from social media, it allows us to stop the wheel of comparison and consume more than we create. So if you feel like you’re in a creative rut with all you want to balance, it may be time to take a step back, unapologetically.
Your creativity will thank you for it.
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Featured image by Sir Taylor