We Gave Up Sex After Having Our First Child
There is this order that life is supposed to follow.
Meet him.
Date him.
Love him.
Marry him.
Reproduce with him.
I've just never been that cookie-cutter. I tend to be sporadic and off-centered.
I was the type of woman who knew she wanted to be a mom and while dating, I quickly eliminated any guy who didn't fit my vision of what a father should be. When we found each other, we clicked. We vibed. We were also a bit of inseparable. I knew this man would be the father of my child. The question was, when? Would it be before or after the wedding? After the careers, after the courtship? I didn't know but I knew that I wanted it to happen when I felt ready and when I was at a time of my life when I could be the best motherly version of myself.
The one thing that I was most certain about was the fact that in the event that something happened to me, or if our relationship failed, my unborn child would have an amazing father in the man that I chose. I knew that I would have the most amazing parenting partner; one who would never leave me to be a "single parent" no matter if I were married or unmarried, if I was in a relationship with him or not. That was enough for me because I wanted to be a mom. Whether I got to be a wife and a mom would be a bonus but I definitely wanted to be a mom. It was enough for me.
So much so that at age 29, when I began to have strong feelings about wanting to become a mom, we chose not to rush into a marriage. Instead, we decided to plan a pregnancy and we decided to focus on parenting. Even while friends and family deemed my pregnancy a mistake or when people would say I got “knocked up" because they didn't see a ring, I knew that this was very well thought out. Six months of trying to get pregnant and the stress of that “two-week wait".. this was far from a mistake.
I knew that I decided to become a mom at a time in my life when I was ready and I didn't want to wait until someone gave me permission or rush those other areas in my life that I didn't consider ready. We were not ready for marriage. We knew it would come but we were not there yet. We were ready for parenthood and that is the direction we went in. Ass-backwards right? Maybe not, but definitely unconventional.
My son was 4 months old when I turned 30. Parenthood took his dad and I on a ride unlike anything we could have ever imagined but it made us stronger. It brought us closer. We learned so much about each other and we overcame many tests. After focusing on our son for the first year of his life, we were now ready to focus on us. Individually and as a unit. We had many nights of pillow talk about our new life and he spoke to me about how he had become a new man and wanted to be a better leader. I had evolved as well.
Motherhood brought this sense of serenity to my life. In the middle of all the chaos, I feel so much peace. I wanted to learn about this new person I had become. I was so proud of my decision to become a mom. It was the best decision that I had made, it made me better and I wanted to get to know this new me as quickly as possible. For me, that meant tuning in and listening closely. Eliminating distractions and becoming one with my spirituality. I began to meditate more and spend time alone.
For us, that meant getting passed the physical attraction that we had for one another and find ways other than sex to show our affection and adoration. We began to listen more, date more, and laugh more. We chose to be present in each moment we were together and we are falling more deeply in love every day.
For us, first came love, then came the baby, then came the house for our family with marriage next on our list.
Now, after the baby, we are challenging ourselves to remain abstinent until our wedding night and we are so excited about this journey. Sex is so easy when you are into each other but finding alternative ways to show that love takes a deep understanding of self and your partner. You have to be so deep into each other and willing to drown yourself in the overflow of love just to stay near.
I am in deep.
I won't let go.
What this has taught me is that things don't always work out the way society says it should. Do what feels right. Keep the end goal in mind and switch the middle part up if that makes you happy.
Kimberly Fleming is an author, speaker, and self-proclaimed motivator. Her life's mission is to encourage people to be the best versions of themselves while presently choosing happiness at each stage of their journey. Her work lives on her personal writing stage, graylove.com and on Instagram/Twitter @iam_KIMf.
Featured image by Getty Images
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Chilli Dishes On Her Drama-Free Dynamic With Matthew Lawrence And No Longer Fearing Marriage
Chilli may be preparing to walk down the aisle soon. The TLC singer has been dating actor Matthew Lawrence since 2022, and the two seem to be going strong. Chilli dished on her relationship with the Boy Meets World star during her visit to Fox 5’s talk show Portia. “This is the first time that we have both experienced being in a relationship to where, I mean—there's no drama at all. We get along, and we have differences but we, still to this day, we've never had an argument,” she said of their drama-free dynamic. “I don't even understand why we would have to have an argument in the first place.”
The “Waterfalls” singer also revealed that since dating her beau, she no longer has a fear of marriage. “I do not. I don't have any fear at all when it comes to him,” she said. “It is just the way he is as a man, you know? He is a good guy. He has an amazing heart, and I mean, he checks off all of my list except for a few I don't know yet—’til we get married.”
Chilli and Matthew's relationship may be taking another significant step in the future. In a 2023 interview with ET, Matthew shared their potential plans for children. "That's the game plan. That's what we're trying to do," he disclosed. This news is particularly exciting as Chilli already has a son named Tron with music producer Dallas Austin, and the prospect of expanding her family adds a new dimension to her relationship with Matthew.
While Chilli is known as a legend in music, her dating life often takes center stage. But that’s what happens when you’re linked to some powerful men. Here’s a look back at Chilli’s dating history.
Dallas Austin
The “No Scrubs” singer dated the super producer throughout the ‘90s, and he produced many songs for her group, such as “Creep” and “Ain’t 2 Proud 2 Beg.” The two welcomed their son in 1997 and shortly parted afterward. Their relationship was documented in the VH1 TLC documentary Crazy, Sexy, Cool.
Usher
Usher and Chilli
Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images
Usher and Chilli are probably each other’s most famous relationship. The former couple, which is still talked about to this day, were together from 2001-2004. They were still in touch over the years, but the “Unpretty” artist said she finally stopped all contact 15 years later.
Floyd Mayweather Jr.
Chilli and Floyd Mayweather Jr. sparked dating rumors after he appeared on her VH1 reality TV show What Chilli Wants in 2010. While the two looked really chummy on the show, the “Diggin On You” singer denied that they were ever romantically involved.
Nick Cannon
In 2016, Chilli and Nick Cannon were rumored to be dating. The Masked Singer host gushed about the mother of one in an interview with E! News. "She's amazing," he said about Chilli. "She's an outstanding person, but you gotta ask her what's going on." He later clarified that they were friends and he’d “be so lucky to be able to...be called dating someone like that."
Matthew Lawrence
Chilli and Matthew Lawrence have been together since 2022, and they sometimes give us glimpses into their relationship on social media. We can’t wait to see what the beautiful couple has in store for the future.
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Feature image by John Parra/Getty Images for Sandals Resorts