10 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married
Anyone who knows me knows how much I love being married and how blessed I feel to be able to experience true love. I will admit, however, there have been times when I've thought, “Uhhh, why didn't anyone tell me this?" But then I wonder, had I known then what I knew now would I still have married my husband? Absolutely. Think of it more like the book What to Expect When Expecting as it relates to pregnancy. Even though you can't prepare for everything, having an idea of what to expect helps you feel a little more confident and prepared when it actually does happen.
The same is true with marriage. When people ask me about getting married or marriage, I try to keep it real and I share what I would want someone to tell me – the good and the bad. I personally think it's encouraging to see other couples who are still together after experiencing the “awesome highs" and even the “difficult lows" of marriage.
For those who have been married for 10, 20, 30, or more years, I commend you because you provide an example of what it means to make it last and make it work. For those of us who have been married for shorter periods and especially for those who aspire to get married, are planning to get married, and/or are recently married, let me share a few tips of what I've learned and/or what I wish someone had told me before I got married.
1. It's totally normal to experience “growing pains."
I used to ask myself, “Are we the only couple arguing about this type of stuff," until I realized that a lot of my married friends experience the same things, and a lot of times we share stories and even laugh about a lot of it. Some people try to act like their marriage is perfect but it's all an illusion because nobody and no marriage is perfect. Although some may be more serious than others, everyone has issues.
Like any major change in our lives, there's always an adjustment period. Considering the fact you're around someone 24/7, it's inevitable that you'll find yourself arguing about some of the most irrelevant things like toilet paper, the toilet seat, quirky habits, dishes, etc. Hubby and I are constantly reminding each other, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Whether big or small, you have to trust and believe that it will get better as each year passes, and when things get a little rough don't be afraid to reach up and reach out for help whether proactive or even reactive (e.g. counseling, books, peers, ministers, etc.).
2. “For better" or “for worse" doesn't always happen in that order, and every day won't feel like a honeymoon.
Just like seasons change, sometimes marriage seasons change. Our first year of marriage was literally one of the hardest years for us because of everything we dealt with a new marriage, a new move to a different city, recession, lay-offs, death, grief, and more. Sometimes it's not always easy, but it's easy to think “What did I get myself into" once you realize things aren't going as planned. BUT GOD! Sometimes we have to fall down in order to look up, and sometimes we just need to be more patient and trust God more.
Living in a city where we didn't have as many friends and family forced us to rely and depend on each other, and God, even more. It drew us closer in ways that wouldn't have necessarily happened had God not taken us out of our comfort zones. Sometimes God wants to know “Did you really mean 'for better or worse' or were you just saying the words?" So, we have to continue to prove to Him that no matter how hard it gets we meant what we said and we're committed. That's why the “D" word isn't even allowed in our household when it comes to arguments and disagreements.
3. Compromise is just as important as communication.
People always talk about communication being the key to a lasting relationship, and that's true. But no one really told me how important it is to compromise. If we fail to compromise for each other, then we fail to harmonize together. Even though it's difficult, there are times when you have to sacrifice your plans or your wants for the other person. Someone once said, “If you really want to get to know yourself, get married because that's when you really learn a lot about yourself." It's so true because it's no longer just about you anymore.
A lot of what has happened in my life and in my husband's life has shaped us into the human beings we are, but what may have worked for us as single people may not work for a married unit. I think my husband would agree that we've both learned a lot about ourselves even as simple as the fact that he's a morning person and I'm not. Another example - my husband is the only child so he's learning how to be less selfish and more giving, and since I was raised without my biological father in the home I'm learning how to be less independent and let my man be a man.
We're also learning how to compromise when it comes to literal tasks. Because I work from home I pretty much handle most of the “domestic" responsibilities. However, when I have to travel for work, my husband is willing to step up and handle most of the domestic affairs while I'm away. That's what compromise is about – meeting each other halfway and making it work for each other so no one feels like the other is doing all the work.
4. Be aware of “right fighting" and avoid it at all costs.
I read one of the best articles about marriage the other day from Steve and Cindy Wright related to “Right Fighting" (“Marriage Tips from Proverbs"). “Right fighting" is when we engage in arguments focused solely on “proving who's right vs. working work to save the relationship." I'm guilty of this at times because of course I would rather be right than wrong and my husband, because of his experience and background, is trained to argue so there are plenty of times when I have to remind him, “I'm not on the witness stand." Simply put, listening, apologizing, and choosing to move on is definitely more helpful than trying to have the last word.
5. Every person has different methods or opinions when it comes to cleaning.
My husband Eric and I definitely don't see eye to eye when it comes to our cleaning habits, but I've yet to meet a couple who both shared the same passion and thoughts about cleaning. LOL!! I can't even begin to tell you how many petty arguments Eric and I have had related to cleaning (or lack thereof). But we were reminded during a counseling session that we have to find simple resolutions to things like this. So, that may mean he may have to deal with the fact that I can clean for hours and I have to get used to the fact that he doesn't mind leaving random socks or other articles of clothing on the floor. Annoying at times? Yes, because Eric hates having to wake up early to clean and I can't stand random things on the floor, but it's still small in the grand scheme of things.
6. Each person gives and receives “love" in different ways.
I love the book “The 5 Love Languages" because it really gets to the core of how people receive and give love. I used to get so upset when I would give my husband a gift or something he really liked and he wouldn't react with the enthusiasm or excitement I expected to receive. However, I learned that “gift-giving" wasn't necessarily his love language. Knowing each other's preferences and love language helps provide a better understanding of each other, and it can easily be the difference between an argument lasting a few moments and an argument lasting a few days.
7. Just because people are married doesn't mean they're happily married, so choose your married friends wisely.
It's so important to surround yourself with other positive, married couples. I have found that sometimes if you're around other unhappy couples they will try to encourage you to be unhappy or trick you into thinking that marriage isn't that great. Every marriage has its ups and downs, but when you're going through a difficult season you need support from those who will encourage and sincerely pray with and for you; not try to tear you apart. Just like with any friendship, there are certain things you can tell certain friends and certain things that should only be kept between you and your spouse.
Furthermore, discern how much and when to tell others when you're going through certain situations. Telling others too much can result in giving other people too much control over your marriage. There are times when you and your spouse have moved on from a situation, but certain people – including your family – will hold grudges and still try to make you hold onto it even though you've resolved the issue and have moved on. Sometimes it comes from a place of care and concern but unfortunately, sometimes it's simply because not everyone wants to see you happy and in love.
8. Women will try to get at your husband even more (and vice versa).
You thought your spouse was a catch before you got married? Well, the ladies or men will think the same about them even more after you get married. I found that even when I got engaged, there were men coming out of nowhere or from my past trying to apologize, make up, or reminisce about what could've been. My husband always likes to quote a lyric from a song, “Don't get mad at me because you dropped your dime and I picked it up." On the other side, some women will see how good of a man he is to you and will be so desperate to have what you have that they'll try to take your man and share him with you. For some people, if the door is cracked, they will kick it open. So, keep your eyes open – both ladies and gentlemen - and do what you have to do (within reason) from leaving the door unlocked and allowing someone to creep into your marriage.
9. Don't become too complacent.
It's easy for us to become complacent in marriage. For men, it's easy to forget about things like romance, courting, and doing things to make us feel special. For women, it's easy for us to forget how fun it is to dress up, how to keep it fun and sexy (in and out the bedroom), or the “wifey" things that we couldn't wait to do before we got married. Complacency is a synonym for satisfaction, so it can be somewhat of a compliment knowing that you and your spouse are fine and comfortable with your relationship. The conflict, however, can occur when one feels more complacent than the other.
Whenever things get a little too easy, don't be afraid to spice it up or revisit the things in your relationship that brought you together in the first place.
10. Don't compare your marriage to others.
As a follow-up to number nine, it's important not to look at others' marriage and say, “well why don't we do that," or “why don't you do that for me." Every couple is different and there is a difference between learning from other couples and envying other couples. Plus, you never know what's going on behind closed doors. While one couple may seem to have all the money and the glitz and glam, they could be missing the passion and fire, and while another couple may seem to have all the passion and fire, they could be broke and finances are driving them crazy. You just never know.
A Bishop once said at a marriage conference:
[Tweet "“Marriage is the collision of two histories, but you have to create your own, new history.""]
That means, our compromises and our marriage may not look like other peoples' marriage and it's okay to do things differently than what you're used to. Additionally, what may be the “deal breaker" for your relationship may not necessarily be the same for someone else. At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you and your marriage because you're not married to everyone else.
Originally published on White Noize
Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Listen, when you live in Music City like I do, one way or another, you’re gonna find yourself involved in the music industry, even if it’s just by way of association. However, because I grew up in a music industry home and I got my start as an entertainment writer, the amount of stuff that I learned about artists — lawd.
Take a particular artist, who will remain nameless and who, to this day, is one of the most condescending and patronizing individuals I have ever met. One day, as someone who used to work with them was cosigning on that very point, they brought up an example that is perfect for the direction of today’s piece.
Them: “She was always trying to talk about how young people only have sex on their minds, and she would pray for their obsession with it. When we all told her to be quiet because she basically got married at 12, she shut up real quick.”
I bet she did. It’s real easy to “not understand” what you personally don’t have to deal with. Yeah, I wonder if she had waited until even 25 to get married if she would be preaching the same sermon about sexual sobriety. Ah, and sermon. Yeah, that’s a nice segue, too, because if there is another place that is notorious for being in the pulpit about sexual promiscuity while ironically encouraging singles to be consumed, if not obsessed, with finding a spouse, it’s the Church — well, many churches.
Where am I going with all of this? I ain’t got no lies for you. The Good Book says that the truth is what sets us free (John 8:31-32), and there’s no time like the present to tackle something that is quite relationally rampant and yet, interestingly enough, doesn’t get addressed nearly enough: emophilia.
Never Heard of Emophilia Before? Chile, I’m Not Surprised.
GiphyBack when I was in college, I went to school with someone who was always talking about getting married and who God told her was her husband. Looking back, it’s kind of comical (and sad…yes, both at the same time) to think about just how many men she claimed that was. It’s also kind of buck that, all these years later, she’s had multiple husbands (and yes, she put “God on them” every single time) while enjoying taking digs around the fact that, according to her, my body count is much higher than hers (I’m currently sitting at 14; I never asked what hers was).
Yep, even though it’s been years since I’ve “added a notch” and although she’s had three husbands while I’ve had none, she still thinks that my sexual partners are “worse” than her many husbands. Nevermind the fact that (since she’s bringing God all up in it) Malachi 2:16 says that God hates divorce and, well, I’ll let y’all read I Corinthians 7:10-11 (as far as remarriage goes) — I’ve been more promiscuous, and so she will always find that to be far worse.
Is it, though? Or do a lot of people just not know that, similar to how porn isn’t just about sex because it can also mean an excessive amount of something, promiscuous can also mean “consisting of a number of dissimilar parts or elements mingled in a confused or indiscriminate manner” — and that’s why emophilia is a thing. And just what does it mean exactly? EMOTIONAL PROMISCUITY.
To me, this isn’t anything new (although I used to use a different word for promiscuity here; that’s another message for another time). When you grow up in Church culture, if you’re truly paying attention, you notice that emotional promiscuity is a fever pitch in many congregations. It’s like folks want to get married so badly (or have been programmed to think that they should) that “this guy…no, this guy…oh, my bad, THIS GUY is my husband” — and you’re so used to hearing people say it that you kind of go numb (or at least, develop a deaf ear).
And when you sit and watch how a lot of prophesying (or is it prophe-lying?) plays out, folks approached marriage like their spouse was an ingredient or something — just add a man as you stir him into your fantasy of a long-term relationship — and so they weren’t really prepared for what marriage required. Why? Because they didn’t really love the person; it was more like they were in love with falling in love. And because of that, their marriage became hell, and as a result, they try to go all Flip Wilson (the real ones know) on it with some “the devil made me do it”…when it was more like one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Hell is truth seen too late.” (Thomas Hobbes)
Goodness. Just imagine how much drama and/or pain could’ve been spared if folks were introduced to emophilia — again, emotional promiscuity — as soon as they were taught sexual promiscuity, especially since, again, one definition of promiscuity is putting parts together without any type of order or in a way that causes nothing but chaos and confusion (and won’t that preach)?
Okay, so is emophilia the same thing as being a love addict? Great question. Actually, they’re very similar, although a love addict has a tendency to become very fixated on a person to the point where all of those songs about not being able to breathe or live with someone make all of the sense in the world in their eyes. Love addicts also are the type of people who feel like they don’t have much value unless they are in a relationship.
Emophilia comes from a different angle. These are people who, as one mental health expert put it, like the feeling of falling in love (more on that in a sec) and, because they enjoy the “hit” of it so much, 1) they can think that they met “the one” after just one date; and/or 2) they can easily find themselves feeling this way about multiple individuals, and/or 3) they tend to find themselves attracted to (or caught up in) the wrong types of folks: narcissists and highly-manipulative individuals definitely top the list.
Why? Well, for one thing, they move so fast that their discernment isn’t very keen, and two, they move so fast that they don’t make the time to step back, self-reflect, and heal before getting into a new situation with someone else. To them, they just chalk it all up to their pursuit of love and just move on to the next person — for as long as it takes. And honestly, that is pretty unhealthy. For a few reasons.
Starting with believing that “falling in love” is a responsible approach to love in the first place.
I’ll explain.
“Falling in Love” Isn’t Really a Thing, Though
GiphyI’ve shared in other articles that Albert Einstein once said, “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” For the record, I believe the full quote is, “Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do, but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.” What he’s pretty much saying here is you don’t “fall” in love; love is a choice. And I agree.
However, let’s roll this back a bit. To fall is to drop, usually involuntarily. And as much as our culture is totally irresponsible when it comes to the word “love” (for instance, I can’t stand the television show For My Man; they constantly abuse the word. Love doesn’t make us do crazy things. Love doesn’t provoke reckless and violent behavior. Love isn’t criminal. Humans can come up with some very toxic behaviors; it’s not in the name of true love, though), the reality is that love doesn’t happen involuntarily. When you’re speaking of the I Corinthians 13 biblical version of love (love is patient, love is kind, love puts others first, love endures), if you really believe that God is love (I John 4:8&16) and if you think that love is an action and not just a feeling (and it is) — then no, it doesn’t “just happen.” Love is a series of decisions — with words and actions that follow. So no, y’all, you cannot actually “fall in love.”
What you can do is fall into attraction; you can be attracted to someone involuntarily (unintentionally, unconsciously), and sometimes that feeling can be so euphoric that you might be tempted to use the word “love” to define it — yet c’mon: does it even make mature sense to say that you did something as grand and life-altering as LOVE SOMEONE without intention or conscious? To me, that sounds like something a child would say. Give yourself more credit. Give love more credit, too.
And that’s why this part of the article has the heading that it does. It doesn’t matter if a saying is popular (a lot of popular stuff is dead wrong); it matters if it’s correct, and “falling in love” simply isn’t. Do I believe that you can be in love? Yes. Even then, though, not by yourself (check out “Like, Love & In Love: How To Really Know The Difference”); the literal definition of “in” proves that (because in means “with”). Perhaps, if this was stated more, there would be less unhealthy relationships, less divorces, or more folks who took responsibility for who and how they loved instead of chalking it up to just being frivolous and emotional. You deserve better. LOVE DESERVES BETTER.
And that is a huge part of the reason why emophilia is hella problematic. It’s because everything that I just said, bucks it at every single turn. It wants people to think that you can just fall, over and over again, for the wrong people (for you), and you don’t need to take any type of personal accountability for it because…that’s just how love is — that’s just what being in love is like. Emophilia will have you out here being so emotionally promiscuous that you remain in the pattern of confusion by joining parts of yourself to pieces of others…when they simply don’t belong there.
And sadly, because emophilia is such a thing, it will encourage you to fix all of this by “falling in love,” yet again, when the actual thing that you should do is figure out how you became an emophiliac in the first place — so that you can stop “falling in love” and actually walk wisely and soberly into true love instead.
5 Ways to Break Free from Being an Emophiliac
GiphySo what if you saw yourself in at least a part of this and you’re ready to free your own self from emophilia. What should you do? For starters, here are five tips.
1. Take accountability for what got you here. If you are a fan of the “fall in love” phrase, it’s going to take a while to reprogram your mind from thinking that things “just happen” to you when it comes to relationships. So take a moment. Do some real soul-searching and journaling about why you like the concept of falling so much, if you’ve got a pattern that is counterproductive, and what you honestly think that needs to be done on your part. Oh, and if you know that you have an “unhealthy type” that you are drawn to, research their traits too.
2. Do some reading, researching, meditating, and praying about what love actually is. Real talk, this one is a lifelong journey. Just know that if folks even applied the I Corinthians 13 version alone, they would mature in love exponentially. When it comes to love, what I will say for now is love is something that betters your mind, body, and spirit and does not compromise in that way. If you are “loving someone” and you’re not getting these types of results or if your love isn’t making them better…it isn’t love. Attraction, maybe. Elation, perhaps. Love? Nah.
3. See a therapist (or relationship life coach). There are some clients I have who would probably admit that they are an emophiliac (or at least one in recovery) if you asked them. Most of them are single and some of them will randomly make an appointment with me just so that I can share with them what I see from the outside looking in. Listen, there is nothing wrong with seeing a professional if you’re trying to “unlearn to relearn” when it comes to all of this. I applaud it. More folks should.
4. Be abstinent for a while. You know the saying: If you want something different, you have to do things differently. For an emophiliac, all they know is going from person to person or relationship to relationship. You can’t really heal from this type of mindset unless you take some time away from what’s causing it in the first place. A season away from emotional promiscuity will help you to learn how to find other things that can make you feel good — other than a man, a relationship, or “falling in love.” That way, you can know when the love is real instead of the attraction being (potentially) deceptive.
5. CHOOSE. LOVE. I don’t care what this weird ass culture tries to cram down our throats: love doesn’t just happen to us; we choose it. Daily. Married people choose each other. Daily. If you’re dating someone, you are choosing them. Daily. This perspective is what brings integrity into love, longevity into love, and honor back to love.
That said, one thing that comes up when it comes to the topic of promiscuity is “casual” and love deserves so much more than words like “accidental,” “offhand” and “not premeditated.” If you’re going to really love someone, choose it; don’t be promiscuous about it. You deserve better. Love deserves better.
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For some of you, "emophilia" may be your something new for the day as far as the word. Yet, now that it’s been unpacked, if it’s something that you can relate to, more than just a lil’ bit, there’s no time like right at this very moment to stop being emotionally promiscuous…so that you can learn how to love the right way…the best way…the chosen way.
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